Satan's Open Letter to Pat Robertson

Pat's a dealbreaker, ladies! Photo: CBN

A Minneapolis Star-Tribune reader named Lily Coyle drafted the perfect answer to Pat Robertson's Haiti hate-speech earlier this week. It's almost enough to make the Bad Thoughts of the Bad Things we want to happen to Pat Robertson stop running on a constant Bad Loop in our head. And, as Elizabeth Spiers points out on her blog, it's What Mark Twain Would Do!):



Dear Pat Robertson,

I know that you know that all press is good press, so I appreciate the shout-out. And you make God look like a big mean bully who kicks people when they are down, so I'm all over that action. But when you say that Haiti has made a pact with me, it is totally humiliating. I may be evil incarnate, but I'm no welcher. The way you put it, making a deal with me leaves folks desperate and impoverished.

Sure, in the afterlife, but when I strike bargains with people, they first get something here on earth -- glamour, beauty, talent, wealth, fame, glory, a golden fiddle. Those Haitians have nothing, and I mean nothing. And that was before the earthquake. Haven't you seen "Crossroads"? Or "Damn Yankees"? If I had a thing going with Haiti, there'd be lots of banks, skyscrapers, SUVs, exclusive night clubs, Botox -- that kind of thing. An 80 percent poverty rate is so not my style. Nothing against it -- I'm just saying: Not how I roll.

You're doing great work, Pat, and I don't want to clip your wings -- just, come on, you're making me look bad. And not the good kind of bad. Keep blaming God. That's working. But leave me out of it, please. Or we may need to renegotiate your own contract.

Best, Satan

LILY COYLE, MINNEAPOLIS

As the kids would say, Lily Coyle FTW.

Letter of the day: Haiti suffers, and Robertson sees the hand of Satan
[Minneapolis Star-Tribune]
Via Elizabeth Spiers [Spiers.Tumblr]