You may think things are a little too dire in America right now to view tonight’s State of the Union address as a chance to get drunk, but we think you should turn that frown upside down. Because when the country’s in the can, that’s exactly the time when you should be drinking. Now, we know you like to make your own rules, but here are some suggestions, depending on how drunk you want to get.
If you want to stay sober. Do a shot every time Joe Wilson yells at the president.
If you want to get a little bit tipsy: Drink for the duration of every period during which Obama appears to acknowledge his own mistakes. Stop drinking the minute he absolves himself by saying a phrase that begins with “But as Americans, we cannot … ”
If you want a solid buzz: Drink every time Obama goes after the megabanks. If you want to be sober enough to talk to your grandmother after the speech when she calls to tell you something Sean Hannity told her to say about Obama, though, only drink after Obama says something that represents an actual policy shift.
If you want to get solidly drunk: Have a shot of beer for every minute Obama spends trying to rally the troops to salvage health care. The process of measuring shots should help distract you from the boredom of hearing talking points about which you’ve read and heard far too much for just over 365 days now.
If you want to get buck shitty: Do a shot of liquor every time Obama uses the words “Rescue, Rebuild, or Restore.” Optional flourish: Do a shot of just beer every time he uses certain accepted synonyms for those words, like, “salvage,” “reconstruct,” and “Haiti.”
If you want to get blasted enough to piss off the neighbors next door: Play the presidential equivalent of the “But, um” game: Do a shot every time Obama says he wants to “build a new foundation,” or says “Let me be clear” or “unprecedented.”
If you want to get blasted enough to piss off the neighbors upstairs: Do a shot of beer for every minute Obama spends talking about new unemployment policies. The process of measuring shots should help distract you from the anger you feel about hearing talking points you’ve heard not nearly enough about for just over 365 days now.
If you want to die: Drink steadily every moment Nancy Pelosi wears a simpering (yet menacing!) toothless smirk onscreen.