Advance Excerpts From Tiger Woods’s Press Conference Tomorrow


Tiger Woods’s team has confirmed that at around 11 a.m. tomorrow, he will address the public and the media from TPC Sawgrass clubhouse. (While he’s addressing the public and the media, he’ll really only be in a room with friends and associates.) Here at Daily Intel HQ, we’ve intercepted some excerpts from his planned speech:

• “ … which is why, kids, it’s always important to practice safe sex, especially if you’re making the type of scratch I was making.”
• “ … been to the mountaintop and asked God for forgiveness, and he has forgiven me. So now I ask AT&T, Accenture, Gilette, Elin — can’t you do the same?”
• “ … became so focused on the game of golf that I never realized how banging all those waitresses and porn stars might make me look in the eyes of the children.”

• “ … and in conclusion, ask not what type of fetish your favorite golfer is into, ask how far he can hit the ball, into the wind, with a three-iron, drunk.”
• “ … came to a head when the psychiatrist asked me, “Who do you want to be, Tiger Woods Professional Golfer or Tiger Woods Fuck Machine?” That’s a question I hope to answer on tour in 2010. Or at least 2011.”
• “ … sand traps, trans fats, double bogeys, smoking stogies, chlamydia, losing my temper after shots, gonorrhea, being all uppity-like. And that concludes the list of 1,001 things I, Tiger Woods, will be giving up this Lent.”
• “ … this court-ordered webcam you all may have noticed attached to my hat, and linked into, is part of my “Trust and Reciprocation” agreement and will record my every movement so that my wife, her lawyers, my mother-in-law, my sponsors, and most important, my fans will know what I’m up to 24/7. Caution, NSFW.”
• “ … been in seclusion working on my memoir, which will retail for $39.99 and is available in all major bookstores as well as on Kindle. Just search for The Back Nine.”
• “ … Sure, there were no steroids, gun charges, illegitimate children that you know of. But yeah, anyway, sorry.”
• “ … And that’s how I learned that when you move it off of the golf course, the mindset of “practice, practice, practice” isn’t always a virtue.”