On Wednesday, President Obama called former vice-president Dick Cheney at home to "wish him a speedy recovery from his latest heart attack," the Times reports. A spokesman says Cheney “thanked [Obama] for the call and they enjoyed a pleasant, non-substantive conversation.” This is not true. Daily Intel, which has tapped the phone of every major political figure for the past four decades, has the transcript of the phone call, which we reproduce here for posterity.
[Ring ring ... ring ring]
Cheney: Mreh, hello, who is this?
Obama: Hello, Dick, it's Barack Obama.
Cheney: C'mon, George, cut it out already, it's getting old.
Obama: No, Dick, this really is Barack Obama. I'm calling to see how you're doing.
Cheney: Oh, uh, Mr. President. That's very considerate of you. I haven't exactly been your strongest advocate.
Obama: Ha ha, no ... you certainly have not. But even though we've sort of become adversaries over the past year, we shouldn't let our policy differences overshadow what's truly important in life.
Cheney: Yes, Mr. President, I agree completely.
Obama: Good. So, what do the doctors say?
Cheney: Well, just that I should take things really easy on my heart for a while. You know, stay calm, not get too excited or upset.
Obama: Of course, that's good advice. You really have to be careful — your weak little heart is very delicate right now.
Cheney: Well, yes.
Obama: Hey, Dick, while I have you on the line, would you mind if I ran a few things by you? Just some national-security stuff I've been thinking about.
Cheney: Me? You ... you want my advice?
Obama: Sure, I mean, I know we disagree on some things, but I would really value an outside opinion from someone as experienced as yourself.
Cheney: I appreciate that, Mr. President. How can I help?
Obama: Well, I've been thinking about how to handle these terrorists we keep capturing.
Cheney: Yes, Mr. President.
Obama: And I think we need a whole new approach to how we treat them.
Cheney: I would certainly agree with that, Mr. President.
Obama: We need to get information out of these people, regardless of the methods.
Cheney: Yes, Mr. President, this is exactly what I've been saying.
Obama: So what I'd like to do ...
Cheney: Yes ...
Obama: ... is take these terrorists ...
Obama: ... lay them out on a table ...
Cheney: YES ...
Obama: And give them a nice, relaxing massage.
Cheney: What? Mr. President, you must be kidding.
Obama: No, I'm completely serious, Dick. I know it might be unsavory to treat our enemies so kindly, but I really think if we just pamper them to no end, give them some incentives, they'll be more likely to cooperate.
Cheney: This can't be serious.
Obama: Oh, it's entirely serious. I've already put the wheels in motion by secretly placing my Social secretary, Desirée Rogers, in charge of all future interrogations.
Cheney: Mr. President, that's completely irresponsible.
Obama: I'm thinking after the massage they'll probably be hungry, so we'll provide them with a big buffet cooked by our White House chef. And then after the buffet, maybe a soothing aromatherapy bubble bath. Oooh, and candles.
Cheney: I can't believe what I'm hearing!
Obama: And then we'll just let them stay in our government-run, taxpayer-funded spa until they decide to start talking. A lot of Ivy League academics tell me they think it'll work.
Cheney: Mr. President, this is outrageous!
Obama: Dick, please, you're overreacting.
Cheney: Overreacting?!? Overreacting! This cannot stand, Mr. President! This is absurd! I swear to God I'll do everything in my power to stop this!
Obama: Chill out, bro.
Cheney: Don't you dare tell me to "chill out, bro"! [Heavy breathing.] You're turning America into ... into ...
Obama: Oh, Dick, I'm sorry, but it's Reverend Wright on the other line; I have to take this. Get better soon, Dick. Peace out.