Citibank Is Giving Everyone Cash Bonuses This Valentine’s Day!

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Photo: Jed Egan

Ugh, Bonus season. Here we all are, looking around at those greedy fat cats raking in ginormous bucks (in stock, but still), thinking to ourselves, "Hey, I bailed you out, where's my bonus?" Unfair. But you know who feels our pain? Citigroup. And so this Valentine's Day, now that they can afford it, they've sensitively arranged a little something for the Little People, too.

Right now, at the branch on Canal Street here in New York, employees are handing out heart-covered goody bags containing four Hershey's Kisses and a pink card that promises that if you open a "free" checking account with one of the Least Trusted Banks In America (which will remain free" for at least a year due to extensive legal action — though you'll still be responsible for all of the overdraft fees — but will likely begin leveling extortionate fees on customers with less than $1,500 in combined accounts, at which point it's doubtful that you'll be able to do anything about it, as they have notoriously bad customer care), you will — ta-da! — receive a "CASH BONUS" of $100! Between that sweet deal and the sugar high, you can almost forget that to get that $100 in what many believe is soon to be devalued currency, you had to give Citibank $45 billion.