Citibank Is Giving Everyone Cash Bonuses This Valentine’s Day!


Ugh, Bonus season. Here we all are, looking around at those greedy fat cats raking in ginormous bucks (in stock, but still), thinking to ourselves, “Hey, I bailed you out, where’s my bonus?” Unfair. But you know who feels our pain? Citigroup. And so this Valentine’s Day, now that they can afford it, they’ve sensitively arranged a little something for the Little People, too.

Right now, at the branch on Canal Street here in New York, employees are handing out heart-covered goody bags containing four Hershey’s Kisses and a pink card that promises that if you open a “free” checking account with one of the Least Trusted Banks In America (which will remain free” for at least a year due to extensive legal action — though you’ll still be responsible for all of the overdraft fees — but will likely begin leveling extortionate fees on customers with less than $1,500 in combined accounts, at which point it’s doubtful that you’ll be able to do anything about it, as they have notoriously bad customer care), you will — ta-da! — receive a “CASH BONUS” of $100! Between that sweet deal and the sugar high, you can almost forget that to get that $100 in what many believe is soon to be devalued currency, you had to give Citibank $45 billion.