If aliens are watching us from outer space, they are probably laughing at us through their snorflaxes at this very moment. That’s because today marks our yearly tradition of consulting a small, likely confused rodent about global weather patterns. Anyway, notorious wet blanket Punxsutawney Phil “saw his shadow” again, which means we are doomed to face six more weeks of winter. Except, what’s this? The less famous, hilariously irascible Staten Island Chuck decreed that spring is imminent! Our faith in the predictive powers of the Marmota monax has been rocked to its very core.