Julie Klausner Has a Crush on Pat Kiernan

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Photo: Conrad Ventur

Name: Julie Klausner
Age: 31
Neighborhood: Nolita
Occupation: Comedy writer, blogger, and author. She’ll be reading from her new book, I Don't Care About Your Band, next Tuesday at Barnes & Noble, and performing on Valentine’s Day at the Rejection Show’s Heartbreak Haven at the Bell House.

Who's your favorite New Yorker, living or dead, real or fictional?
Joan Cusack's character, Cyn, from Working Girl.

What's the best meal you've eaten in New York?
Fried baby artichokes, spaghetti, and tiramisu at Bianca on Bleecker Street.

In one sentence, what do you actually do all day in your job?
I write funny things when I'm not constantly reading the Internet.

Would you live here on a $35,000 salary?
Of course.

What's the last thing you saw on Broadway?
Fela! — it was like Nunsense but with crazier dancing.

Do you give money to panhandlers?
Sometimes.

What's your drink?
Diet Coke or Champagne. I don't combine them, I'm not crazy!

How often do you prepare your own meals?
Does breakfast count? If it does, every day. I can pour cereal into a yogurt cup! I am basically showing off, I know.

What's your favorite medication?
Exercise. Just kidding, Xanax.

What's hanging above your sofa?
Various framed needlepoint pictures of animals. Very "BUST Craftacular," I know, but they make me happy.

How much is too much to spend on a haircut?
More than what you'd pay for a great wig.

When's bedtime?
Around midnight.

Which do you prefer, the old Times Square or the new Times Square?
I sort of hate them both, but Times Square is for tourists. What am I going to do, get angry about crowds and the Olive Garden? It's not for me.

What do you think of Donald Trump?
He's one of my favorite sketch-comedy characters. I think he, Curtis Sliwa, and Yolanda Vega should start performing together at UCB.

What do you hate most about living in New York?
The weather and the high rents, I guess, but I wouldn't say I hate anything about living here.

Who is your mortal enemy?
Somebody really shitty who doesn't eat carbs and hates dogs.

When's the last time you drove a car?
Last month.

How has the Wall Street crash affected you?
Some people close to me lost their jobs, and it was terrible. But it made that scene from last season's Real Housewives of New York City when Countess LuAnn de Lesseps rang the NYSE's opening bell all the more entertaining. So everything worked out! (Not really.)

Times, Post, or Daily News?
The Post for Andrea Peyser's psychotic, beautiful word pictures, and the Times for their hilarious "Metropolitan Diary" stories about kids at Zabar's who can't pronounce the word "biscotti." Those rich kids are so stupid!

Where do you go to be alone?
My desk, early in the morning. Is my desk a place?

What makes someone a New Yorker?
The ability to ignore an ambulance siren in almost any situation, and a crush on Pat Kiernan.