The Inner Monologue of a Bank Thief Getting Ready to Impersonate Paul Simon

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"A con man trying to impersonate Paul Simon was arrested for trying to take money out of the singer's bank account — because the teller realized the 6-foot-1 crook looked absolutely nothing like the diminutive rock legend, police sources told The Post.

Rafael Ramos, 54, walked into a Citibank branch on Broadway near West 86th Street at about 1 p.m. and allegedly tried to take out $4,300 using Simon's name and bank account number. Ramos also had Simon's Social Security number.The teller became suspicious after realizing the suspect is 10 inches taller and 14 years younger than the 5-foot-3, 68-year-old Simon." - The Post, February 4, 2010

Okay, Rafael. Deep breath. You can do this.

Sure, Paul Simon is one of the most well-known musicians in the world. Sure, you look nothing like him. But you already have his bank account number and Social Security number, so why would you not be Paul Simon? I mean, really, what's more likely — that someone somehow managed to steal all of his personal information, or that Paul Simon suddenly grew a foot taller, aged backward, and became Hispanic? The latter, of course. But just to be totally safe, you should throw in some rocker lingo ("I'd like to withdraw $4,300, daddy-o") and casually drop some references to your friendship with Art Garfunkel ("Art Garfunkel and I used to hang out at this bank all the time back in the sixties"). Maybe absentmindedly whistle a few bars of "The Boxer" while the teller fetches Paul Simon's money, to really seal the deal. And that's it. It's foolproof. You've done it again, Rafael. You're the man.

Paul Simon bank hoax [NYP]