After Latests Sexts, Elin Flees to Tiger’s Yacht, ‘Privacy’

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While Jesse James's tattooed mistress, Michelle "Bombshell" McGee, fights for custody of her son with her ex, James returned to work at West Coast Choppers sporting overalls and his wedding ring. Sandra Bullock, meanwhile, remains understandably M.I.A. After more "sexts" with porn star Joslyn James were released, Elin Nordegren stormed out on Tiger over the weekend, whisking her two children and their nanny away to their docked yacht, Privacy. Jennifer Love Hewitt celebrated her split from Jamie Kennedy by chopping off her hair. A six-year-long engagement and a 2-year-old daughter later, Sacha Baron Cohen and Isla Fisher tied the knot in Paris. Mischa Barton refused to make eye contact with her ex, Cisco Adler, when they both showed up to watch Courtney Love's recently reunited Hole perform at SXSW. And Paris Hilton is pitching a reality show about her engagement and wedding to Doug Reinhardt, but no one's interested in buying it. Never mind that he hasn't popped the question.

Shia LaBeouf, Gordon Ramsay, and Audrina Patridge ran the L.A. marathon, but not together. Patridge then tweeted that she inhaled a post-race Philly cheesesteak. Kirstie Alley thinks Howard Stern is a "fuckhead," but she "loves" Jessica Simpson. Adam Dell, the father of Padma Lakshmi's baby, hired Howard Stern's lawyer to win his way into his daughter's life. But Lakshmi isn't likely to back down, as the parents "already have an agreement." Madonna, Jesus, and Jessica Seinfeld watched Fela! together on Broadway, but apparently Jerry missed the occasion. Alex McCord was the only Housewife to attend Bethenny Frankel's raucous baby shower at Bagatelle. Donald and Melania Trump munched on chicken nuggets and pizza at their son's 4th-birthday party. And Billy Crudup simul-texted on his iPhone and BlackBerry while having lunch at Jane.

Heidi Montag says she's over her legal limit for cosmetic surgery. We're not sure such a law exists, but the plasticized Montag seems to think so, and for the sake of her skin's elasticity, we won't argue. Get your Reebok high-tops ready: The 72-year-old Jane Fonda is hosting the first World Fitness Day in Atlanta's Georgia Dome, featuring aerobics classes with Richard Simmons. Snooki told MTV news how excited she was when Ellen gave her pouf a shout-out on American Idol. Though his contract prevents him from appearing on TV until May 1, Conan O'Brien is in talks with Fox to launch a new late-night talk show as early as September. And men with ponies rejoice. The first annual Gay Polo Tournament is being held in April outside Palm Beach, which will be just like hetero polo, except "the uniforms are a little chicer" and "the balls are a little nicer, too."