If We Were Friends With John Paulson, Part X


The conversation we might have had with rock-star hedge-funder John Paulson over Instant Messenger today, if we were, like, bros.

Paul-Money: Hey Daily Intel

Daily Intel: Hey P-Mons!

Paul-Money: Whatchu doing

Daily Intel: Starting to think about getting my taxes ready, unfortch. Can you believe I am STILL paying off last year's on my endless payment plan?

Paul-Money: ugh don't even TALK to me about taxes, it is SO much harder when you are a billionaire and own multiple properties and have money coming out of your ears.

Daily Intel: Oh ... yeah ... I can see how that might suck.

Paul-Money: Anyway! I wanted to invite you to a party I am having tonight to cheer myself up. It's called The In Your Face Bloomberg I Am Still Awesome Party.

Daily Intel: Sweet! But what do you need cheering up for?

Paul-Money: Well, basically Bloomberg runs this story that is all about how awesome I am, how I am at the top of my game and managing $32 billion, which is a lot. And they try to take that skeptical tone, like, "Can he possibly stay this awesome?" Like they do.

Daily Intel: Oh right, in the journalism business we call that "the stake."

Paul-Money: Ha, "the journalism business." You crack me up, Daily Intel!

Paul-Money: And it gives all of these examples of other hedge-fund managers who have cratered, etc., and there are all these quotes from various douchebag analysts saying that the firm is getting "too big too succeed."

Paul-Money: Like this guy, Richard Tomlinson, founder of London-based Tomlinson Investment Consulting, which advises clients on hedge funds, who goes, “There’s no doubt that Paulson is a big draw for investors at the moment, but there’s always the risk of returns becoming mediocre.”

Daily Intel: Yipes.

Paul-Money: YEAH. And it's really annoying because while the whole story was based on NOTHING it happens to come out right when the government announces it is selling its stake in Citigroup, which I have $1.5 billion invested in, and then Citi tanks, so I just know this guy is sitting around all smug about his quote. And it's like, WHATEVER, DICK. I'll show you too big when I'm —

Daily Intel: Anyway, so tell me about the party!

Daily Intel: Will there be live giraffe rides again?

Paul-Money: Obvs.

Daily Intel: A make-your-own-sundae bar?

Paul-Money: You know it.

Daily Intel: A Dunk the Former Royal Bank of Scotland Employee Tank?

Paul-Money: Actually, I'm trying to get this guy Tomlinson. It'll take some doing but I've got people on it.