Jesse James Had Better Remove Any Potential Bludgeoning Devices From the House

Two months before learning of Jesse James’s tattoo-loving antics, Sandra Bullock explained how she would have dealt with the philandering Tiger Woods. “If I were Elin, man, I would have hit a lot more than she did. I would have kept hitting.” We think she and Ms. Nordegren should sit down for a chat. Meanwhile, attorney Gloria Allred’s representing a “beautiful model and businesswoman” who also claims she had an “intimate” three-year fling with James. As is expected, she has “hundreds” of texts and e-mails to prove it. And Tiger Woods amused himself by shooting a Nike commercial in his backyard. Ryan Phillippe was spotted smooching a young brunette at Snoop Dogg’s album-launch party. Upon arriving in L.A., Chace Crawford dashed to the Diesel store on Melrose because Delta lost his luggage. And Miley Cyrus lost track of Liam Hemsworth at Hollywood’s Last Song premiere, griping, “he’s not being the best boyfriend right now.”

Like a coyote escaped from its natural habitat, Julian Niccolini lunched at the Mark, not the Four Seasons, yesterday, along with Blackstone’s Pete Peterson, Diane Sawyer, and Mike Nichols. Rachel Weisz, Paul Haggis, Darren Aronofsky, Sting, and Trudie Styler chatted over dinner at Indochine. Miranda Kerr admitted to eating French fries, and model Alessandria Ambrosio says she “loves meat.” Hilary Rhoda cheered on Sean Avery at MSG Wednesday night. Matthew McConaughey and Woody Harrelson grooved to reggae together, singing and dancing in the VIP area of L.A.’s Roxy, where reggae artist Mishka was performing. And T.I.’s 30-day-long house arrest ends today, but he still has an 11 p.m. curfew, unless he’s performing, in which case he can stay out until 1 a.m.

Anna Wintour will not put Gabourey Sidibe on the cover of Vogue. Snooki traipsed about Union Square yesterday spray-tanning passersby faces for a Sunlove spray-tan commercial. Teens fawned over the newly molded wax statue of Robert Pattinson at Madame Tussauds. J-Date had better watch its back. Patti Stanger’s coming to town, looking to cast New Yorkers in the next season of Millionaire Matchmaker. Less than two weeks after suffering a heart attack, Michael Lohan’s holed himself up in the Hamptons with Jon Gosselin’s ex, Kate Major, and is plotting a new reality show in which “celebrities” (including several of Gosselin’s execs) drive cross-country in an RV together. And Lohan’s in luck, because another 25-year-old just dumped the father of eight. And Jimmy Kimmel commented on health-care reform, “So now when Uncle Sam points his finger at you, it means bend over.”