Marriage, to Sarah Silverman, Is ‘Like Eating Meat’

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An allegedly sober Lindsay Lohan fell face-first into an agave plant outside an L.A. house party. At least it's low on the glycemic index. Justin Bieber had to leave his own album-release party at Lucky Strike because it was so swarmed with tweens, so he and his entourage headed to the Eldridge, where they ordered in $400 worth of burgers and fries. Meanwhile, Bieber's manager, Scott "Scooter" Braun, pleaded not guilty to charges of reckless endangerment and criminal nuisance after he failed to send a police-ordained tweet that Bieber's concert at a Long Island mall had been canceled. And Sarah Silverman expressed her views on marriage to Playboy, noting, "I'm a vegetarian, but I don't have a problem if you want a hamburger. Marriage to me is like eating meat. I think it's gross and fucking crazy."

An L.A. photographer told TMZ that she also had an affair with Jesse James, and she has 195 text messages to prove it. Thank you, iPhone, for introducing such diligent text-record keeping. In addition to the now-infamous "Bombshell," James also had an affair with the similarly tattooed Melissa Smith, whom he met on MySpace in 2006. His porn-star ex-wife, meanwhile, hopes Sandra Bullock maintains a relationship with her and James's 6-year-old daughter. Beyoncé's father's mistress gave birth to a baby boy, and paternity tests confirmed that the 1-month-old is his. A pre-Elin Tiger Woods once dated LeAnn Rimes and "they hooked up and everything," but then her dad "almost had a heart attack" over their relationship and made her stop seeing him. Good call, Mr. Rimes. Emmy Rossum gushes that after six months of dating, she and the 45-year-old, dreadlocked Counting Crows rocker Adam Duritz are still going strong. And Real Housewife of Atlanta Kim Zolciak is dating a woman, noting that their "first kiss was passionate and exciting."

Heidi Montag is super-excited to work with Jennifer Aniston in Adam Sandler's upcoming flick, Just Go With It, and we're sure the sentiment is mutual. Katherine Heigl confirmed that she's leaving Grey's Anatomy for good. Akon has been banned from Sri Lanka after violent protests erupted during his guest performance in David Guetta's racy music video "Sexy Chic," in which Buddha makes a brief cameo. Diddy promoted his vodka brand, Ciroc, at Greenhouse by yelling, "If you're not drinking Ciroc, you're drinking pee pee." Now "vodka magnate" Martin Silver's responding by sending him a toilet bowl full of the beverage. For his role in Things Fall Apart, 50 Cent plans to drop 50 pounds (or at least try to) and have some of his tattoos removed, which would "save him time in the makeup chair." After collapsing at a New Zealand concert, Lady Gaga explains, "I was so jetlagged. I passed out about three times on stage that night but I got myself to the floor. I'd rather die on stage than walk off because I was going to pass out."