Nobody Puts Gossip Girl in the Corner

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Photo: Giovanni Rufino / The CW

Love and loss. Truth and lies. Success and failure. This week, all of our favorite characters jumped from one end of the spectrum to the other. For every failure, there was a success. For every evil drug-dealing boyfriend, there was a well-meaning former flame. Dan finally put a title on his relationship with Vanessa (complete with lack of undergarments), Jenny told Damian the truth about her virginity (but spent the night with Baby & Johnny instead), Chuck was able to trust his mother (at which point she promptly teamed up with evil Uncle Jack), and Rufus was able to make amends with Lily (who's still lying to him). But for one person, the scale tipped further into failure than success. Serena attempted a Chair-esque scheme (and failed), imparted wisdom to Jenny (failed again), and wore a semi-nude (questionable) dress to defend her reputation (complete and total failure). Cheer up S, there’s always next week to try again.

As always, your comments ranged the spectrum, but in the end, it just dissolved into an ongoing list of the best sexual-themed catchphrases created from Chuck Bass’s infamous name. Those protesters really did miss a prime opportunity. We won’t round those up here, but Annie_in_NY did round up your best comments below!

Realer Than Vanessa Stealing a Dress From Olivia’s Closet Before She Moved Out
• Did Blair say not everyone needs to wait 18 years to hear an "I love you" from Chuck Bass? Plus 20 if this means Blair had been hoping for that "I love you" from the first day of kindergarten when Chuck breezed in in his baby Brooks Brothers suit. —merriweather

• "We're being attacked by christian conservatives." "They have those in Manhattan?" Plus 50 because that's exactly why I moved here, from the land of christian conservatives to the land of Chuck Bass... —shayloveschuck

• Jack Bass and Rufus have matching facial hair. Plus 20 because Rufus clearly grew it because he thinks he's evil after spending an evening softly stroking his neighbor's hair and thinking what a bad, bad guy he was. And an additional plus 10 because Jack probably has his facial hair because his love life closely resembles that of the characters on "Grand Theft Auto". —kdow3

• "It's 9:30; I have Latin." "It's a dead language, it's not going anywhere." Did Damien take ‘Frat Boy Speak For Getting In Your Pants 101?” Plus 5 because frat boys typically aren't that clever, though persistent. —_miss_demeanor

• When Nate does his whole speech about waking up after losing his virginity to Serena he conveniently leaves out the fact that he was still dating her best friend. Plus 10, because that's how any boy would spin it. and plus 5 for Serena not pointing that out after her little feminist moment. One thought per episode seems her average. —witch_hunts_are_my_valium

• When Jenny let her extensions down in the opening sequence, I could faintly hear the voice from Clash of the Titans bellow “Release the Kraken!” Plus 10. —HookedonBass

• Blair says “I’ll ignore that” to Nate’s swipe at her. She is totally Lucille Bluth in 40 years. Plus 5. —cundela

• Jack's wink at the end of each snarky comment makes you want to punch him in the face/secretly hope he will sexually molest you in the nearest bathroom....regardless of the awful Brad Pitt goatee...Plus 5 to the writers for making him a true love/hate character. —bliz7734

• Vanessa tries to seduce Dan at the Historical Society event by acting like Serena. Plus 5 for her having a complex about Dan picking Serena over her in Season 1. —pretential_energy

Plus 10 for Serena signing up for word of the day emails, and using the word concubine in a sentence. —chiyork

• I love how Chuck keeps calling Jack "Uncle", even though he wants nothing to do with the guy, I would give it a minus 10 until I realized "Uncle Jack" is like Jack's "I'm Chuck Bass.” Those Bass men just need to give themselves a title and Chuck would respect that. Plus 20. —INOL

• If Dan’s friend/friend-with-benefits map is anything like the Marauders Map in Harry Potter it will have a boob for S, a bow tie for C and a headband for B. Plus 15 for allowing me make a GG and HP correlation. —enliven

• Cece needs Lily and Dr. VanDerWoodsen for a mysterious project? I'm pretty sure Lily and Cece are making a Serena clone so that Cece may live forever, harvesting her boobs, organs, lank blonde hair, etc. Plus 100 —allison_s

• Of course Elizabeth is evil. That proves to me that she is Chuck's mother more than any DNA test could. Plus 5. —Lolaisgossipgirl

Faker Than Jenny’s First Time
Minus 20 because waffles are a bigger character than Eric at this point. —Astorwaldorf

• Why did Queller agree to babysit Jenny during lunch? Doesn’t she have a job to do? As if an all-girls school headmistress would voluntarily decide to spend their lunch watching a teenager text and pretend to eat for an hour. Minus 3. —JNP1013

• Speaking of Nate, how quickly he forgets his label from GG- Class Whore. Those who live in glass houses... minus 2. —lpisaniello

• As a law student, I feel obligated to point out that the lawyer's behavior was not just immoral and unethical (normal for Gossip Girl) but illegal and certainly would get him disbarred and sued for malpractice. Chuck would get all of that money back plus some. Minus 25. —SPS38

Minus 5 points for Jenny not knowing Dirty Dancing, she knew what Showgirls was last season but not Dirty Dancing? I call bullshit. —killerfab

• LOVED the DI shoutout, but was a little weirded out that S called it "the Daily Intel" like your mom telling you not to smoke "the marijuana" but whatever. —ELLEHM

• Doc VDW is the ONLY specialist in the WORLD who can run whatever kind of tests Lily needs? Plus 10 because no father of Serena's is that smart. —JennyisnotSerena

• Chuck refusing to be bailed out by Bass Industries. Minus 10 because let's be serious, what kind of wealthy capitalist is against having his company bailed out? —comfortablysmug

• "The Bartholomew Bass Room"? Say it aloud and it sounds like "bathroom"; Chuck, Lily, and Blair would have had nice chuckle, clinked their champagne glasses, and vetoed it. Minus 15. —CCSEB

• Serena giving a virginity talk is as ironic as, nope, forget it. That's the most ironic moment in the history of the world. Minus 100. —Isgoodatmath

• You know it's a seriously half-baked idea that should be abandoned immediately when Mr. Manbangs thinks your plan is idiotic and bound to fail. Minus 50 because if Nate is the new voice of reason, we're doomed. —MMMMCHUCKBASS

Minus 2 for Blair judging Chuck when he collects a DNA sample from his maybe-Mommy. Queen B knows that evidence is a must-have when billion dollar empires are at stake. —NURSELUVBASS

• "If [Damien] were a vampire, I could slip garlic in her waffles or something....not that she'd eat them." Plus 3 for acknowledging Little J's eating disorder. Minus 2 for expecting us to believe she ate any part of "2 desserts" with Nate. —SouthernComfort

• If it turns out that Elizabeth and Evelyn were twins, minus 10, because Bart would have had documentation of that in case of this very situation unfolding after his demise. But then plus 3 for the illustration that Chuck isn't the only Bass whom twins find. —PurpleandGreen