That is the gist of this column in the Times, which informs us that 3 percent of parents regret what they named their child, but can't do anything about it because it's more complicated than changing the name of a dog. It suggests several guidelines: Don't name your kid something ugly. Don't name it something that can be turned into a rude nickname, like "Dick" or "Smelliot." Don't give it the same name as a celebrity child since chances are said celebrity child will probably end up getting arrested for DUI and/or crashing their car and/or photographed without panties. Don't name your child "Jessica" if you don't want her to end up being kind of a bitch. And so on. Oh, and even if you follow all these rules, someone with your kid's name might become a serial killer and then your kids will hate you forever. And even if that doesn't happen, they will probably hate you for something else.

Baby-Name Regret [Motherlode/NYT]