Once a week, Daily Intel looks behind doors left slightly ajar. This week, That Drunk Female Lawyer: 32, female, Manhattan, bisexual, in a relationship.
7:30 a.m.: Awoken by cousin’s screaming baby in the other room. Say silent thank-you to inventor of birth control. Hoping he shuts up so I can concentrate on masturbating. Too lazy to get up for vibrator so I masturbate au natural. Have two orgasms.
12:30 p.m.: Can’t stop staring at the girl in front of me in yoga class with a perfect ass. I get hornier with every downward dog. I hate trying to pick up women. Chicken out, but make awkward attempt at conversation about her yoga pants.
1:30 p.m.: Send dirty text message to J, a much older man I’ve been seeing. His response is boring, yet again, and I vow to stop seeing him.
1:31 p.m.: Recall amazing oral sex from a couple weeks ago and immediately take back vow.
5:30 p.m.: Watch porn on my iPhone while waiting on line at supermarket. Technology rocks. Older woman behind me watches me suspiciously.
10:30 p.m.: Dirty e-mail exchange with Matt, a man I met through work and see when he’s in town. Exchange fantasies and sense some one-upmanship on his part. Clearly he doesn’t know what he’s dealing with. Discuss meeting at a sex club. It’s a total fantasy of mine, and I’ve never been able to get anyone else I dated to agree to go with me.
Midnight: Boyfriend in a dead sleep. Masturbate quietly next to him, thinking about Matt. Matt’s a freak, and everything about him turns me on.
12:10 a.m.: Look at boyfriend, and wonder why I always end up in relationships with people that are conservative in bed, and then can’t be faithful.
9:30 a.m.: Wake up and try to get boyfriend to have sex. He goes down on me, and I come quickly. I tell him to do doggie style; tells me he’s too tired for sex. He just woke up! Sigh.
2:45 p.m.: Get massage. Hot masseur. Leave massage horny.
4 p.m.: RedTube. Pull up “anal” category (my favorite) and try new dildo. Vaguely confusing what goes where at first, but good results after some trial and error. Orgasm, fall asleep on the couch.
11 p.m.: Engage in flirtatious IM exchange with an ex. We start reminiscing. Consider masturbating, but my forearm still hurts from the afternoon.
8:30 a.m.: Staring at hot girl on subway platform next to me. She has a Chanel bag, and looks majorly uptight. I want to do very dirty things to her. Wonder whether she is shaved or not. Then I wonder if I’m the only one that has these thoughts constantly.
10:30 a.m.: Bored on a conference call so I take a picture of the garter and thigh-highs I’m wearing and send to J. Dirty e-mail exchange ensues. He tells me to send a picture of my pussy. I decline, and realize I hate him a little bit.
9:30 p.m.: Dinner with a female friend I occasionally hook up with. Hoping to get some action, but she is whiny over some asshole she can’t get over. Realize it’s not happening and start drinking heavily.
2 a.m.: Stumble home drunk and wake up my boyfriend, demanding sex. He has a 7:30 a.m. meeting the next morning and is not amused. I loudly masturbate next to him while he tries to fall back asleep.
9:15 a.m.: Massive hangover. Try to masturbate in the shower and nearly fall over.
11:30 a.m.: J calls me at work and tries to initiate phone sex. I can hardly see straight. I lie and tell him I’ve got a conference call to get on.
4:30 p.m.: Feeling better so I head to the gym. I could hang out in the women’s locker room all day.
8 p.m.: I get an e-mail from Matt. He’s staying at a hotel downtown. Asks if I can come over.
10 p.m.: In Matt’s hotel room, drinking.
10:30 p.m.: Matt asks me to take my clothes off and masturbate for him. I comply and then give him head. As I am about to leave, he gets hard again. We have anal sex, and I go home.
8 a.m.: Quick and efficient morning sex with boyfriend.
Noon: Dirty IM exchanges with Matt and J while managing a conference call. Confusing.
9:30 p.m.: Meet co-workers for one drink at Hooters. Man, Hooters waitresses in Manhattan are low-rent.
Midnight: Suggest club I frequent.
1 a.m.: End up making out with two club dancers in front of co-workers. Never, ever living this one down.
2 a.m.: Eight drinks later, I DrunkBerry a work guy I’ve been wanting to hook up with for a while. I’m shitfaced and aware my e-mails make no sense and are replete with typos. Will definitely regret this entire evening tomorrow. His response to my e-mails: ???? Need to install a breathalyzer on that thing.
9:30 a.m.: Hide in my office to avoid seeing co-workers. Nurse hangover. Consider inpatient sex-addiction program. Or AA. Or both.
11 a.m.: Get e-mail from co-worker thanking me for the previous evening’s performance. Oy.
12:30 p.m.: Tech guy at work stops by. He knows all my secrets, and about my porn-at-work habit, which crashed a previous hard drive. He stops by and yells at me about my latest tech problem, which is undoubtedly related. Then he winks and tells me to be good. God, I love being a chick sometimes. If I had a penis, I would have been fired from this job years ago.
8:30 p.m.: Grab drinks with a couple friends. Swear to myself I won’t have more than two drinks. Explain that I want to dump my boyfriend and date a girl, but don’t know how. They suggest Craigslist.
1:15 a.m.: Drunk, home watching porn. Gay porn is randomly doing it for me today. I find I need increasingly hard-core stuff to get off. Kind of makes me nervous. Rub out a quick one, and pass out.
9 a.m.: In court. So tired. Need to cut down on the midweek drinking really soon.
12:30 p.m.: In a rare display of planning, boyfriend calls me and tells me we are on for dinner tonight at my favorite sushi place. I consider saying no, but feel guilty.
2:30 p.m.: J calls me and tells me he’s in town for the weekend. Asks me if I want to meet him where he’s staying. I give him a vague answer, and tell him I’ll call him later. I have no intention of calling him later.
8:30 p.m.: Dinner with boyfriend. Starts out well, but then we end up in a fight over something silly, which leads to me complaining about our sex life. Same argument we have constantly. I’m annoyed, but also, inexplicably, horny. Knowing he won’t put out, I text my female friend that I hook up with sometimes.
12:30 a.m.: In the back of my local bar, trying to get D to put out. Wishing she would date me, but knowing deep down it would be an unmitigated disaster. I’d undoubtedly fuck up the friendship in the process. Consider going back to her place, but don’t.
2 a.m.: Home. Crawl into bed with boyfriend and try to masturbate quietly thinking about a threesome with him and my friend, a scenario he’s previously rejected. Use my Über-favorite vibrator and get off twice. First was good; second was mind-blowing. I cry out and accidentally wake up boyfriend. Thank goodness he’s used to this.
TOTALS: Five consecutive nights of drinking, six acts of masturbation; two acts of oral sex; two acts of intercourse; one makeout with dancers in front of co-workers.