Once a week, Daily Intel looks behind doors left slightly ajar. This week, the Sexually Frustrated Married Father: 35, male, Queens, heterosexual, married, father.
12:02 a.m.: Wife and I finish watching episode of Parenthood that talked about faking orgasms. We just went to bed afterwards. Sigh. Admittedly, my wife already has one child and is halfway through a pregnancy, and I should be happy having a few hours of sitting around watching TV that isn’t Nickelodeon.
6:50 a.m.: Take extra time washing my man region while in the shower. I don’t do more because there is a chance of morning sex while the sitter takes our daughter to the park.
7:21 a.m.: My wife shows me her sunburn in the shower. I linger a bit. Even after being together for over a decade, I am still very attracted to her. There are times I wonder if she still feels the same way.
7:40 a.m.: Should have taken care of my needs in shower.
1:03 p.m.: Pick up gift for wife’s birthday. Probably won’t get her in the mood. If a Tiffany’s necklace couldn’t get me some oral last year, today’s offerings probably won’t fare any better.
5:04 p.m.: On a crowded elevator leaving work, two of my female co-workers are talking about going to take a gym class. One asks, “Do you shower afterwards?” My ears were not alone in their perking up.
10:10 p.m.: Get a bite on the neck as my wife goes to sleep. I wish it was more than just a bite. Maybe I’m not putting out the signals that I want — no, need — more.
10:43 p.m.: Apply for writing job at adult website. Getting paid to look at porn. Hmm. Probably not going on the resume.
11:28 p.m.: Drift over to the casual-encounters section on Craigslist. I’m sure I’d never actually answer one of these ads. But I wonder about the people who place them (the ones who are not prostitutes). Is that the last step?
12:20 a.m.: Wow, I miss Skinamax. There is something slightly less sleazy about watching soft-core pornography on your TV than trolling the Internet for hard-core movie clips, or watching the free previews on porn channels.
11:24 a.m.: I am so tense; it’s been weeks since I last had any physical contact. I need to find a massage parlor near work. Legitimate.
3:23 p.m.: My office is filled with young, pretty, unattached women. If I were single, it would be like a buffet table. I’m happily not single. But I can take a peek every now and then. Like when the cute blonde from down the hall bends down to change the paper in the printer. Nice and slowly.
6:17 p.m.: Get a topless neck-rub from the wife. I’ve got a good wife.
7:15 a.m.: Between pressures at work, trying to be a good dad, husband, son, brother, and friend, I am so exhausted that I can’t seal the deal with myself in the shower.
9:17 a.m.: I think we spend so much time being mama and papa that we don’t get enough time to be man and wife. I’m feeling really lonely. So it’s lonely, horny, and exhausted. Fantastic.
5:04 p.m.: I can honestly say I haven’t thought about sex all day long.
8:41 p.m.: Someone left a pair of panties in the dryer at the laundromat. They were gray, with lacy trim. Victoria’s Secret, I believe. Whatever they were, they were very, very sexy.
11:43 p.m.: Overheard at the bar: “I have more porn than I can shake a stick at.” Stay classy, bro.
12:29 a.m.: Craigslist is like a game show called Who’s Going To Kill or Rob You? But the pics are some of the best. I don’t know why I have eschewed regular porn sites in favor of reading about people who want these local hookups.
6:04 a.m.: Up early for my weekend job, with raging hard-on.
6:17 a.m.: Take care of myself in the shower. That felt good. Now to attack the day.
1:00 p.m.: Soccer moms are way hotter than Little League moms. Soccer moms seemingly dress to impress a little more than the baseball moms, who are there to watch the games.
11:52 p.m.: Had big argument with wife, and am actually kicked out of bed. By the time I get to the living room, I have no idea what the fight was even about. I’m sure it was about both of us being tired and wanting to do things our own way. It’s the perfect opportunity for angry makeup sex. But alas, no.
12:36 p.m.: I’ll say it: My kid’s play-gym teacher is a hottie.
7:31 p.m.: Just found out my therapist is canceling our appointment. I really needed to talk to her. And see her hot receptionist. It is one of the highlights of my week.
12:16 p.m.: Heading to gym, trying to release in a wholesome way.
1:15 p.m.: My mind is drifting in the empty sauna room. Need a shower to calm myself down. The thought of getting caught is exciting me.
1:30 p.m.: Am I not supposed to look at girls who nicely fill out a pair of tights or short shorts at the gym? If they don’t want to be looked at, they would wear something less appealing.
4:20 p.m.: Download a free erotic novel to my Kindle.
5:26 p.m.: The cute blonde in the seat next to me is changing into a pair of yoga pants by carefully shimmying them up and under a skirt. Luckily my shoulder bag is covering up my erection.
5:45 p.m.: Erotic novel very lame. Wish the blonde would do another outfit change.
1:08 a.m.: Insomnia and horniness got the best of me and I’m back to Craigslist. What exactly is a table shower?
9:42 a.m.: Everyone is sick or busy so I’m on babysitting duty. Which is good, I love spending time with my funny, smart, and awesome kid. I hope the hot moms are at the park today.
4:00 p.m.: While everyone naps, I realize that ChatRoulette is boring without the random nude people.
4:02 p.m.: Pondering why it is so hard to find a non-Asian massage in this town.
Total: Two acts of masturbation; One fight with wife that results in night on the couch; One erotic neck-rub from wife; Numerous ponderings about massage parlors.