Don’t Worry, Kevin Costner Will Take Care of the Gulf Oil Spill

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Photo: JOERG KOCH/AFP/Getty Images

They have tried inserting a tube into the damaged pipeline that has been gushing oil into the Gulf of Mexico for more than three weeks. They have tried using booms and domes to corral the oil, and fire to burn it off, and chemical dispersants to, er, disperse it. Nothing has worked, and the world has been forced to watch as the the physical manifestation of human greed and capitalism creeps farther across the ocean, destroying everything good and pure and natural in its path. But now. One man has come forth, clutching a mysterious device that he believes might save the ocean — and, by extension, the world.

That man is Kevin Costner, who as it turns out commissioned a $24 million centrifuge machine that cleans oil from seawater back in 1995, after the Exxon Valdez spill in Alaska that British Petroleum and the Army Corps of Engineers agreed to test out this week. "I just am really happy that this has come to the light of day," Costner told a New Orleans TV station.

"I'm very sad about why it is, but this is why it was developed, and like anything that we all face as a group, we face it together."

Beautiful. We can't wait to watch him don goggles and descend in the submarine as Aerosmith's "I Don't Want to Miss a Thing" plays softly in the background.

Gulf oil spill: Kevin Costner donates 'Ocean Therapy' invention to clean oil from sea; BP OK's tests [NYDN]
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