Goldman Sachs Braces Itself for Further Attacks From Ignorant, Rage-Filled Populace

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Photo: Jed Egan; Photos: Mark Wilson/Getty Images, iStockphoto

Goldman Sachs made it through the first quarter of 2010 without losing money even once, an SEC filing for the firm shows today. On 35 of 91 days, they managed to make $100 million. Per day. But can they take any pleasure in this? Will CEO Lloyd Blankfein or CFO David Viniar or anyone else at the firm be purchasing a a big fuck-off mansion in the Hamptons in celebration of their awesomeness? The answers are no and don't be stupid, they already own them. Goldman's fate, they now know, is to be persecuted. And so they are steeling themselves for further attacks from the bloodthirsty mob of regulators, politicians, journalists, bloggers, and androgynous actors of the stage and screen whose ignorance and envy and hatred of what they do not understand will most likely be further stoked by this new evidence of Goldman Sachs radiant specialness.

Their filing notes:

We anticipate that additional putative shareholder derivative actions and other litigation may be filed, and regulatory and other investigations and actions commenced, against us with respect to offerings of CDOs.To the extent we are unable to obtain appropriate waivers from relevant regulators, resolution of the SEC Action, through a judgment or a settlement that includes an injunction, a cease-and-desist order or a finding of fraud, could result in collateral consequences to us that may materially adversely affect the manner in which we conduct our businesses.


And what can Goldman Sachs do? Nothing. They must just hang their heads and allow themselves to be beaten, scourged, stripped, and nailed, and try to find it in their hearts to forgive the haters, for they know not what they do.

FORM 10-Q [SEC via DealBook/NYT]