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Gossip Girl Always Has a Plan C

This week on Gossip Girl, Jenny Humphrey learns that all that glitters is not gold and plays the part of poor little rich girl (all whilst scarring us with her nightmare-inducing Rorschach-blot hair). Why so disillusioned, Little J? We experience a blast from the past as Dr. van der Woodsen disappointedly leaves Serena and her boobs in the Upper East Side, clearing the way for her stepbrother/ex-boyfriend. Meanwhile, Blair finally goes on her first “real” date with Nate’s doppelgänger (those tacky plaid shirts were not merely coincidental), all while doing some hard-core sleuthing. Scooby and the gang have nothing on the scheming triumvirate of Chuck, Blair, and Jenny. Now for this week’s best comments, as compiled by Darce:

Realer Than Serena Refusing to Believe How Terrible Her Dad Is
• Lily drank suspicious looking green apple juice all throughout her pregnancy with Serena that sketchy Dr. Will, who is not above giving patients unnecessary medications, got for her. This explains everything! Plus 2 — JNP1013

• Nate "can't handle dead rabbits." Plus ten, because of course he can't — astorwaldorf

• Blair refers to "this Holland person", unsure as to whether Rufus, like her dad, cheated with a dude. Plus 2. — purpleandgreen

• "Not to be cold, but they do get easier," Plus 3 Eric really is a young, gay Yoda. — southerncomfort

• "Why are you whispering? If it's a seduction technique, don't bother." If this is the writers' passive-aggressive way of calling Ed Westwick out on it, then plus 5. Plus 10,000 if he takes a hint. — signaturescarf

• Blair compared Chuck to House, another Brit whom she tried to seduce in her past-life as a dishwater blonde. I appreciated the reference. — freakynow

Plus 5 for Chuck whining to the therapist about having to watch Audrey Hepburn movies all the time, I knew he was only pretending to enjoy those, nobody who sleeps with women actually enjoys those movies. — nurseluvbass

Plus 5 for Blair thinking that bringing handcuffs to a first date was a good idea. That's my girl. — the_deacon

Plus 5 for Blair's Wuthering Heights reference - she would totally identify with the whole marrying/dating the good guy while secretly lusting after the bad guy thing. — ninotshka

• The vDWs have a giant drawer in the kitchen stocked with tons of prescription pills and a mortar/pestle. Plus 3. — sfxsnappeas

• After all the horrible things he has done to her, Blair's still hung up on the fact that Chuck has kissed guys before. Plus 20 freudian points, because that's a grudge you carry to the grave when your father leaves you for a male model. — stiletto33

• Of course Dan gets mad when the Humphreys talk about themselves in third person. Dan is the writer in the family. Only Dan gets to talk about Dan in an omniscient voice. Plus 2, one for Dan... and one for Dan's ego. — imadestination

Plus 5 because Nate also sent his own father to prison, and at least he's consistent — 4JD

• Rufus calling out Lily's propensity to whorishness: "You know that I'd never do that Lily. Maybe you would, but I wouldn't." Awesome! Plus 8 — cleavage_rhombus

Faker Than Anyone Complimenting Lily's Parenting Skills
• Even if Nate can't recognize it as common sense, he should at least know from Dawson's Creek that sending your girlfriend's father to prison is a sure-fire way to get dumped. Minus only 2, because it's a little before his time, and ...he's Nate. — pretential_energy

• Why does Eric never go to these black tie galas? I mean I know there's always excuses; I hate my Baldwin daddy for abandoning me, I have a date with bi boy, I'm macking on some Japanese ass, but this time there was nothing. — kdow3

• Jenny's hair has morphed into an anaconda of angst. Her hair looks like its auditioning to be the next portion of The Human Centipede. Gross. Minus 10 — cellardoor

Minus 10 for Baldwin not going Casablanca on the hat-sporting Serena in his last scene. "Maybe not today, Maybe not tomorrow.." — maob004

• When did Chuck Bass' suite become a hostel for the homeless and downtrodden? He owns the flippin hotel. I'm sure he can pull a few strings to get these degenerates their own suite. Minus 10 — roseyro

• No way Eric would have packed and left. He, unlike the rest of the characters goes to school and he now has a regular hookup. Minus 5 — misschristypoo

• Is Serena trying to channel Carmen Sandiego with her detective hat? If so, she forgot the red trench coat. Minus 7 for the forgetting the most important detail. — enliven

• Every episode is starting to feel like an episode of Charmed. Instead of supernatural smackdowns ending at the manor, they have huge character takedowns at a ball or at Lil's house. Minus 10 for predictability and the lack of magical demons. — lightyears

Minus 5 for Elliot not being over when the rest of the VDWs made a surprisingly early return from the Library Gala. C'mon Eric, you had a perfect opportunity... — harlowblair

• The black and white portrait of a thonged badonk in Nate and Chuck's apartment is a little Big 10 for them, don't you think? Minus 1. — OMFGGG

• Is this 1855, why is Blair wearing what seems to be a bustle? Minus 15 — merriweather

• When did Gossip Girl become Iron Chef? Minus 10. In battle Juicer vs. Waffle Iron, Lily would clearly choose Adderall like a good UES housewife. — polishpierogi

Minus 50 for Lily not immediately thinking something was up when William complimented her parenting skills. Her daughter has slept with half of the UES and Brooklyn and has KILLED SOMEONE. Her son tried to off himself. Clearly, she's not doing something right — feed_the_ducks

Minus 20 for the Blair/Chuck proposal storyline in the season finale. The only 19-year-olds who get married are Jesus freaks getting frustrated by the limitations of BJs and dry humping. Pretty sure Blair and Chuck were past that about 10 minutes into the limo ride. — blairismygracekelly


Want to compile the final comment roundup of the season? E-mail alexandra.martell[at]nymag.com with this subject line: Get Jenny a hairbrush.

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Photo: Giovanni Rufino / The CW