David Alan Grier Longs for a $35 Chicken Burger

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Photo: Patrick McMullan

Name: David Alan Grier

Age: 54

Neighborhood: Upper West Side

Occupation: Actor, comedian, writer, producer, raconteur, gentleman of leisure. You can catch him performing two nights of comedy, this Friday and Saturday (July 23 and 24), at Comix.

Who's your favorite New Yorker, living or dead, real or fictional?

Andy Warhol.

What's the best meal you've eaten in New York?

A chicken burger at the St. Regis hotel. It cost $35.00. I used to go at tea time and order it. It was amazing! The chef even gave me the recipe, and then they took it off the menu and I haven't gone back since.

In one sentence, what do you actually do all day in your job?

Sleep, watch TV, answer e-mails, work out, sleep, talk on the phone, and sleep.

What was your first job in New York?

Starring in a Broadway musical The First in 1981.

What's the last thing you saw on Broadway?

American Idiot.

Do you give money to panhandlers?

Never, and they always tell me that they are my biggest fans.

What's your drink?

Depending on my mood, a good glass of wine, or if things are looking dire, a Grey Goose dirty martini, shaken, served straight up with two olives.

How often do you prepare your own meals?

Every day! I love to cook. I have a food blog on WordPress called Chocolate Glutton.

What's your favorite medication?

Ibuprofen. It's non-addictive, over-the-counter, and always makes me feel like I'm being proactive in my pain management. But if I want to really have a party nothing beats a Vodka Vici (Vodka on ice with two crushed Vicodin stirred gently with the pinky finger). It tastes like shit, but oh what a feeling!

What's hanging above your sofa?

A Jean-Michel Basquiat.

How much is too much to spend on a haircut?

Nothing, 'cause I'm bald and I love to shave my own head. In fact, I have invested hundreds of dollars on pre-shave and post-shave ointments, liniments, and scented preparations.

When's bedtime?

When I say so.

Which do you prefer, the old Times Square or the new Times Square?

Old Times Square, hands down. Dollar kung fu movies, pimps, whores, runaways, drug dealers ... lovely! I would never willingly go to the new Times Square: It is filled with spotty, overweight high-school seniors with cheap point-and-shoot cameras. I love walking through carefully posed group shots on the streets in Times Square and ruining them.

What do you think of Donald Trump?

I did a radio show with Mr. Trump and two of his oldest kids — Ivanka, and Shrilanka I think their names were — and I thought he's done a very good job raising them. They were attractive, courteous, thoughtful, and funny, and they never hung out with Lindsay Lohan.

What do you hate most about living in New York?

Riding on the subway during the H1N1 flu scare. It was like riding in a giant used condom. I have never used more Purell in my life. Also, rude cab drivers. I hailed a cab once, and the cabbie stopped and asked me where I was going. I said "JFK." He looked me up and down and said, "I'll take you to La Guardia." Like I was looking to make a fucking deal!

Who is your mortal enemy?

Myself.

When's the last time you drove a car?

Two days ago, a rental. Brand-new Cadillac ... it was awesome.

How has the Wall Street crash affected you?

It has given me a feeling of latent despair. You smell it on people's breath, and see it hanging in the air all along Madison Avenue.

Times, Post, or Daily News?

Times for news, Post for gossip, and Daily News for cleaning my windows.

Where do you go to be alone?

My bathroom.

What makes someone a New Yorker?

There is usually a small birthmark found behind the left ear ... a mole in the shape of the twin towers.