Goldman Sachs Will Never Be the Same


When you have a reputation as an economy-destroying, world-dominating vampire squid, you try to repair your image in any way possible. You swoop in at the last minute and save some poor-people banks. You get spokesman Lucas Van Praag to tone down his usual scathing press rebuttals. And you tell your employees, all 34,000 of them, to never again use expletives in their work e-mails or instant messages and texts sent from work-provided phones, as The Wall Street Journal reports today. The new policy will be monitored by a computer program, of course, but the guidelines are vague.

The new edict — delivered verbally, of course — has left some employees wondering if the rule also applies to shorthand for expletives such as "WTF" or legitimate terms that sound similar to curses.

Other banks that have attempted to exert Orwellian controls on naughty words have run into problems. The Journal reports that JPMorgan "had to briefly override its automated profanity detectors" to write a press release about giving a grant to a breast-cancer prevention group called the Feel Your Boobies Foundation.

Goldman employees are nothing if not inventive, and it's not hard to foresee a whole new secret expletive vocabulary developing to get around the censor. Shitty deal? Shideal. You can't stop it.

George Carlin Never Would've Cut It at the New Goldman Sachs [WSJ]