It's been a tough summer for the hedge funds — returns are down, the skills of rock stars like John Paulson are being questioned, and no one knows where the next face-melting payday is coming from. (In other words: "Life is such a fucking disaster.") It's time to acknowledge one thing hedge funds still have going for them: the comely young women in their investor-relations departments.
Hedge funds are primarily and necessarily staffed by nerds. For every Nicholas Gentileschi or Josh Birnbaum, there are twenty sallow-skinned, mouth-breathing math geeks. People skills don't come naturally to this set, which is why since the dawn of the modern hedge fund, firms have outsourced the social aspects of their business — the marketing of their funds to potential investors, and the managing of existing investors — to bright, socially competent, and above all, aesthetically pleasing young women, under the umbrella of Investor Relations, Marketing, or Business Development. Over the years, the IR Hottie has become as common a sight on a trading floor as a Bloomberg terminal or a copy of Atlas Shrugged. They’re like cheerleaders for the math team. In appreciation of all the hard work they must be doing this season, Daily Intel teamed up with Dealbreaker's Bess Levin and polled managers, investors, and industry watchers to find out which of these money honeys are doing the best job of staying hot under pressure. Here are the leaders in the field.
Occupation: Senior Associate, Clarium Capital
Education: Stanford '05
Fun Fact: She's seaworthy! Lauren, who hails from the seaside town of Marblehead, Massachusetts, was a member of her college sailing team.
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Occupation: SVP, Business Development, Conquest Capital Group
Education: Cornell '02
Fun Fact: On Facebook, Jessica lists the Completely Bare spa as one of her Interests.
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Occupation: Senior Investment Associate, Forefront Advisory
Education: Wellesley '07
Fun Fact: Okay, so she’s not technically “Investor Relations,” but RC won the 112th annual hoop-rolling competition at Wellesley, so we think she merits inclusion just for that.
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Occupation: Director of Investor Relations, Luxor Capital
Education: University of Virginia '02
Fun Fact: Shockingly, Elizabeth was a member of Phi Beta Phi. Can you believe they let her in with that hair?
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Occupation: Associate, Credit Suisse
Education: Georgetown '02
Fun Fact: Antonella tells us she "hates to cook,” but “loves good restaurants." She also "loves meeting people, which is one of the great perks of my job," and "recently rescued a crazy oversize Shih Tzu puppy named Charlie who loves shoes as much as I do."
Occupation: Vice-President of Business Development, Atalaya
Education: Harvard '05
Fun Fact: Previously worked at Goldman Sachs as an energy derivatives analyst.
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Occupation: Marketing Associate, Baron Capital
Education:Southern Methodist University
Fun Fact: Becky was a 2003 Steeplechase debutante and voted the “Duchess of Fort Worth” in the area’s Tyler Rose Festival in 2002.
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Occupation: Vice-President, Marketing and Investor Relations, SAC Capital
Education: Dartmouth College '04
Fun Fact: Abigail ran track at Dartmouth.
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Occupation: Vice-President, Investor Relations, Attara Capital Education: University of Pennsylvania, Wharton School ‘06 Fun Fact: Melissa’s favorite movies are “Shakespeare in Love, Vanilla Sky, Empire Records, The Thomas Crown Affair and "art-house films."
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Occupation:Business Manager, TICC Capital, which is not a hedge fund but a venture capital firm Education: Lehigh University (Oops, that was wrong.)
Fun Fact: Chelsea’s Facebook wall has a picture of her holding a Black Express card, with the following comment: “Love when I get to use this one — Rented Maserati - 5th Ave... on my way! SoHo House — see ya later!"
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Occupation: Senior Vice-President, Client Relations, Halcyon Asset Management
Education: Princeton University
Fun Fact: We got nothing, but doesn't she look fun?
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Occupation: Director, Business Development, SAC Capital
Education: University of Mississippi, University of Cambridge
Fun Fact: Jennifer is reportedly pretty friendly with Eli Manning and his wife.
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Occupation: Marketing, Apollo Management
Education: McGill University '01
Fun Fact: “Though a stunner who is blessed with natural beauty and physique, Victoria knows how to have a hearty laugh at life, love, friendship and adventures abroad,” a friend wrote on her Friendster profile in 2004. “Ask her about Koh Samui and how she valiantly dragged a friend to safety and sobriety, while somehow managing to lug him unto a boat. “
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Occupation: Head of Marketing/Fundraising, Golub Capital
Education: Cornell University ‘00
Fun Fact: Alissa is a member of the Screen Actors Guild as well as the AFL-CIO.
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Occupation:Investor Relations, Atlantic Capital Management
Education: Florida Atlantic University
Trivia: Paige’s role as the youth outreach coordinator at PETA suggests she maintains a shockingly unfeminine interest in both animals and children.