Landon Donovan Does Not Have a Love Child

Lindsay Lohan’s future inmates warn that she’ll likely be a target of attack in prison, particularly from lesbian gangs. Meanwhile, Joan Rivers offered to pay for her rehab. Lauren Conrad is so afraid of Spencer Pratt that she brought a taser with her to The Hills’ live finale. Kathy Griffin is heartbroken that her Teen Choice Awards date, Levi Johnston, is engaged again, commenting, “Like Britney, I’m putting myself on a 5150 psych hold.” In the midst of taped death threats and abuse allegations, Mel Gibson continues to film The Beaver, playing the role of a crazy person who communicates through a hand puppet.

Kelly Osbourne and her fiancé have called it quits. Sean Kingston was accused of sexual assault. U.S. soccer star Landon Donovan says he does not have a love child, despite reports to the contrary. Victoria’s Secret model Doutzen Kroes is three months pregnant, and she even has plans to marry the baby’s father. And though Eldridge owner Matt Levine declared Jersey Shore cast members unwelcome at his club back in December, they partied there the other night. Levine was “generally unaware of guest lists,” though fist-pumping was not permitted.

Bono is recovering from back surgery, promising to be back soon and better than ever. “I’m ready — rebuilt by German engineering, better design I’m told — and I’m going to be fighting fit next summer in the U.S.” John Paulson bought a $24.5 million house in Aspen. Rosie Perez was photographed at the White House in a wheelchair and a neck brace, though the cause of her injuries is unclear. Mariska Hargitay beat Joy Behar to an antique mirror at the Mulford Farm Show in East Hampton. Behar relented, explaining, “Well, she carried a gun on TV. I’m physically afraid of her.” The Boom Boom Room is closing for the summer with plans to reopen as a private club. Sienna Miller is visiting Haiti. And Courtney Cox has no problem using Botox, except for that one time she “overdid it” and couldn’t move her face.