Taliban’s Terrifying Army of Monkey Terrorists Effectively Ends War


According to a report from a Chinese news site, the Taliban has been training monkey soldiers to fight American troops in Afghanistan. The source for this claim seems to be an unnamed “British-based media agency” and some photos on the Internet of monkeys holding guns. In other words, it is definitely true. And terrifying. Monkeys are dangerous enough as it is. They will literally tear your face off or rip their “steel-like fingernails” through your scrotum without provocation. Giving them guns and military training just makes them exponentially more lethal. Afghani monkeys in particular are especially scary — they are very hungry and will kill without hesitation for a banana.

No invader has ever conquered Afghanistan, and now we know why. The monkeys will not allow it. It was a good effort, but it’s time to pack it in. This is no longer a fight we can win.

Monkeys trained as battlefield killers in Afghanistan [People’s Daily Online via Memeorandum]