Once a week, Daily Intel takes a peek behind doors left slightly ajar. This week, the Commitmentphobe Dropping Her Booty Call and Friend With Benefits for True Love. Maybe: 27, female, Astoria, single, in a relationship.
6:30 a.m.: Wake up. Did I really have the WE’RE IN A MONOGAMOUS RELATIONSHIP TALK last night? I think I’m going to be sick.
6:40 a.m.: Log on to Tube8.com, and rub one out. People are usually late for 9 a.m. meetings, right?
8:21 a.m.: Why does every man on the subway have to look so sexy? Is the Universe trying to tempt me, now that I’m off the market? Must. Resist.
11:09 a.m.: Receive an e-mail from someone I had a crush on months ago. Says he wants to get together. I really want to jump his bones. The world kids.
1:58 p.m.: Panic about not being single. Wonder if I will know how to say no to the next guy who asks for my number.
8:12 p.m.: Texting my former Friend With Benefits. Decline offer for tonight due to “Having a boyfriend now.” He thinks I’m joking.
10:49 p.m. Officially break up with my standing Booty Call, via text. “Guess I won’t be pulling your hair anymore,” he said. A piece of me dies inside.
8:32 a.m.: “Chasey Lane” plays on my iPod. Wonder what my grandmother would think of this song. Especially the part about eating ass.
9:15 a.m.: Best friend Sue e-mails me and says she has a date with a guy we know tonight. Claims she’s not going to sleep with him. I can’t wait for the post-screw e-mail tomorrow morning.
10:12 a.m.: Receive an e-mail from the Boyfriend. He tells me I’m going to get it when I see him. I’m not sure what “It” is, but I know I want it.
4:36 p.m.: More e-mailing with the Boyfriend. I remember how good he got me off last week. Start to wonder if it would be safe to masturbate in the bathroom at my office.
11:45 p.m.: Have sex with the Boyfriend. I’m too drunk to get off. He does, though.
1:09 a.m.: Have sex with the Boyfriend again. Still too drunk to get off. He does, though. Again.
1:59 a.m.: Tossing and turning, since I’m not used to sleeping next to someone. Want to kick him to the floor.
7:58 a.m.: Morning sex with the Boyfriend. I get off. Tanqueray: 2, Me: 1.
9:36 a.m.: Round 2 of morning sex with the Boyfriend. I get off again. Tanqueray and I are tied. I smell victory. And Trojans. Need to take out the trash later.
2:20 p.m.: Left my computer on in my bedroom while showering. Wonder if the Boyfriend will snoop. Also wonder if he will spontaneously open the bathroom door and jump in the shower with me.
6:50 p.m.: Kiss the Boyfriend good-bye as he heads home. I feel part relief, part sadness.
7:16 p.m.: Get a missed call from a guy I went on a few dates with back in May. Why do they all come out of the woodwork when you can’t do anything about it?
11:52 p.m.: Masturbate because I can’t fall asleep. Think about an ex-lover. Is that cheating?
9:06 a.m.: Recently Dumped Friend calls me to tell me she’s had her first fuck since the breakup. I act excited for her. Tomorrow she will feel like shit. Better to get that first one out of the way, though.
11 a.m.: Bring the Boyfriend to meet the friends at brunch. Slight tension at first. Hope everyone loosens up.
11:52 a.m.: Receive a text from Sue while she’s in the bathroom, “He’s awesome and you two are cute together. Yes, I’m on the toilet as I type this.” Don’t know what I’m happier about, her approval or receiving a toilet text.
3:27 p.m.: Drag the Boyfriend to Macy’s. Wonder why any man would get into a relationship knowing they will have to go on shopping trips. Happy I’m a female.
6:19 p.m.: Dinner with the Boyfriend. We have a great conversation, which makes my fear of not being single dissipate. I start to relax.
10:11 p.m.: The Boyfriend tells me, via text, that he’s falling for me. I don’t freak out. Must be high.
8:29 a.m.: Sitting on subway with a man standing in front of me. Can’t stop staring at his junk. Either he’s packing heat or there’s a sock shoved in his boxer briefs.
10:33 a.m.: Married friend tells me her husband won’t even kiss her good-night anymore. Wonder if Boyfriend and I are just gonna end up like that anyway.
1:14 p.m.: Sue e-mails to tell me the old boy toy from last year is back in town and coming over tonight to fuck her silly. I’m jealous.
2:29 p.m.: Meet the Boyfriend for a midday coffee. We kiss and hold hands. Maybe I can do the relationship thing.
4:40 p.m.: E-mail with the girls. We do our girl flirting. No more chance at having a bisexual encounter with them. Damn boyfriend.
10:08 p.m.: Noises from the Roommate’s bedroom. Guess her and the boy toy are canoodling. Can’t picture her having sex.
11:05 p.m.: Texting back and forth with the Boyfriend. Some dirty talk is exchanged. I tell him I’m going to bed, but break out my vibrator instead.
8:16 a.m.: Walk past yet another construction worker with three-day-old scruff on his face. Immediately wish I was sitting on it.
11:05 a.m.: Sue e-mails me to tell me she’s in a pickle. Doesn’t know how to juggle three guys in one week. I tell her to take One-A-Day Women’s for Active Mind and Body. She thinks I’m nuts.
12:22 p.m.: Log on to Facebook. The Boyfriend is on, too. He tells me he’s thinking about how wet I was on Saturday morning. Wonder if I’m soaking through my panties.
1:36 p.m.: Tell a friend that the Boyfriend and I have decided to be exclusive. He asks, “Who is this magical man? Must be Houdini.” I tell him to shut up.
4:41 p.m.: Sue relays stories of an all-night sexcapade with her boy toy. I’m jealous and miss having a boy toy of my own, who I don’t need to lie in bed all day with. When will I grow up?
7:15 p.m.: See a couple on the subway. The woman is very pregnant. Wonder if they’re still banging.
8:21 p.m.: “Music for Love” comes on Pandora. Think back to the time the Ex and I got it on to that song. Damn, he had a fine ass.
10:19 p.m.: The Boyfriend calls me while I’m trying to work. Makes small talk. Want to tell him that unless he wants to have phone sex he needs to leave me alone so I can get some work done.
8:31 a.m.: Flipping through a magazine. Come across a Calvin Klein underwear ad. Wish the male model was next to me. I’d rub my hands all over his abs.
10:45 a.m.: Read an article about Dr Pepper messing up on an ad that accidentally references “Two Girls, One Cup.” Wonder who’s working in their legal department. I want that job.
11:29 a.m.: One new e-mail. Boyfriend writes “Can’t wait to see you.” I wonder if that means “Can’t wait to fuck you.”
7 p.m.: Roommate and I go to pole-dancing class. Instructor is a fox. Gotta find out which strip club she works at. Need to see her in action.
8:44 p.m.: Get a package in the mail. A friend sent me a new edible lube product. Ha. Open box and realize bottle must have busted in transit. My hands smell like chocolate-covered strawberries.
10:25 p.m.: Boyfriend sends me a cute text. Fear of not being single is almost gone. Has he drugged me?
TOTALS Four acts of intercourse, three acts of masturbation.