Recession Turned New York’s Straight Men Into a Bunch of Girls, Pink Paper Reports

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Soon, they'll be holding three penises.

It's hard enough for a straight man in New York to maintain his masculinity. There are just so many temptations — the endless sneaker and T-shirt options, the delicious artisanal cocktails, the utter lack of lawns that need mowing or logs that need splitting. This is why we, the women of New York, can't really blame them for things like not calling after sex — it's kind of all they have, you know? For a long time we've accepted, even embraced, their girlishness. They were just "metrosexual," we told ourselves when they lingered too long in front of the bathroom mirror. They were "evolved," we said when they strapped on a Manary so that they could breast-feed, too. But the recession has pushed what was once a quirky regional trait into disturbing territory, the Observer suggests today. The unemployment that has resulted has affected more men than women nationwide, the pink paper — which is itself staffed by a cabal of dudes who are suspiciously svelte and clean of fingernail — observes, and here in New York, this has had the ball-shriveling effect of a mega dose of estrogen.

Among the unemployed men they encountered: a guy who found he likes to clean. A guy who allowed his wife to tell him that he purchased the wrong kind of edamame, then went out and bought a new bag without complaining at all. A guy who spoke of learning how to perform the delicate act of poaching eggs, and was actually carrying a baguette around — in public! And if that doesn't scare you, this will.


Back in Queens, Norm told The Observer he'd heard about a job at a major international corporation. He sat down at the table in his airy, open-plan living space and opened a pristinely white MacBook, which he operated with a wireless mouse. A few minutes later, he looked up from the screen and remarked that Betty White is starting a new clothing line.

"Airy"? "Pristinely white"? "Wireless mouse?" It's clear what the Observer is trying to tell us here. Someone strap this man to a chair and subject him to a full course of Bruce Willis movies!

Ward Cleaver Makes a Playdate [NYO]