Did you hear that collective rustling of pillows and sheets last night? That was the sound of fanboys and fangirls tossing and turning in anticipation of Steve Jobs's speech at Apple's fall event this afternoon. Between all the new launches (hello again, Apple TV!), upgrades (the iPod Shuffle is now small enough to choke on), and plans for total tech domination (you want social networks, Apple's got 'em), the overall effect was not unlike one of those Fred Armisen–as–Steve Jobs bits on "Weekend Update." You know you sound a little ridiculous when Coldplay feels comfortable mocking you.
The new and improved iPod!
The new iPod Shuffle is roughly twice the size of Steve Jobs's thumbnail. Our little brother will definitely buy us this for Christmas so he can steal it. We hope it doesn't fall through the cracks of the packaging.
The new and improved iPhone!
Apple will release an upgrade to iOS, the mobile operating system that powers all its devices, in November. Says Jobs, "We've fixed a lot of bugs, proximity, Bluetooth, iPhone 3G." Elsewhere, a Mexican wireless carrier blabbed that Apple will release an iPhone 4 with a redesigned antenna by the end of September. Does this mean the iPhone 4 will now let us make phone calls??? Sweet lord, what next?
The new and improved App Store!
6.5 billion apps have been downloaded in the app store. 200 apps every second. Okay, that's just impressive.
The new and improved Apple TV!
Apple TV, a digital media receiver that first came out in 2007 — loved by nerds, but hated for its tendency to malfunction — lets you stream video from iTunes, YouTube, and most computers directly to your TV. The new model: (1) lets you stream videos from Netflix and push videos and photos from your iPad onto your TV, (2) is one-fourth the size of the previous model, and (3) will cost $99 (down from $299). We will think long and hard about how awesome Apple TV is as we continue to watch videos on our laptop like regular people.
The new and improved iPad!
With iOS 4.2, you can stream music and video from iTunes to your iPad and also print wirelessly. Oh my goodness, so many new things to do with another device we will probably not buy for two more years!!!
Steve Jobs thought you could use another social network!
It's called Ping! (Rhymes with Ning, a service that lets you create your own social network — is your head spinning yet?) With Ping you can follow or be followed by your friends and see what they're listening to — just like you already could on Facebook and Twitter.
At the end, Coldplay played a couple of songs and pretended like it was 2008. Afterward, Chris Martin quipped, "This is a new song we're doing, it's called Coldplay 2.6. It features seven chords. None of our competitors have it. Jony Ive designed it. It's in the key of iMinor." Says Engadget, "The audience was in hysterics." Yeah, clearly no one at the event slept last night.
Watch Fred Armisen out-Jobs Jobs.