EEEEEEEEEEEE! Justin Timberlake Just Moved to Our Neighborhood

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He already looks scared.

Here are three things you should know about Hudson Square, the Realtor-fabricated neighborhood where New York Magazine's offices reside: (1) There is no grocery store near here, so people who do their own shopping would be well advised to think twice about moving here. (2) However, there are many delis that serve high-quality bad coffee. If you are a person with a journalist's salary, you know what we mean. (3) John Slattery is the only famous person who lives in this neighborhood. Luckily, everyone who works at New York is obsessed with Mad Men (seriously, Intels Chris and Jessica only started watching the show because you can't make it through a day here without hearing about HOW TRULY THE SHOW IS THE STORY OF PEGGY or some other nonsense), so he is enough for us.

Until today, that is, when we learned that Justin Timberlake is moving in two blocks away. The pop star has abandoned the Tribeca spread that he (sometimes) occupied with girlfriend Jessica Biel, according to Curbed, and has picked up a $5 million three-bedroom in the Soho Mews. That's a luxury building that's been languishing largely empty on West Broadway, just across from the Soho Grand, for roughly a year now.

Justin! We have so much advice to give you about our neighborhood! For example, the bodega down the block from you is the best one in the area, but do not order the ramen noodles! And Lucky Strike is the local hangout — we call it the Peach Pit — but we promise not to tell anybody if we see you there. And FYI, from your new windows, you'll be able to see into pretty much every single one of the all-glass rooms at the Trump Soho, but don't try because that is not sexy. The Standard it ain't.

Most of all, our advice is to ignore the plebeians. They are definitely not pretending to take iPhone photos of their co-workers while you stand in the background so they can actually nab a picture of you to put on Facebook. That is something that Intel Nitasha and Intel Dan would absolutely never do.

Justin Timberlake Ditching Tribeca for Soho Penthouse! [Curbed NY]
PS: Here's the floorplan, from Curbed: