Last night in front of a crowd at Elle's Women in Hollywood tribute, Jake Gyllenhaal bravely revealed a secret about Gwyneth Paltrow, one he has been keeping to himself since he co-starred with her in 2005's Proof, according to Us:
"Bottom line, she is not a mere mortal like the rest of us. She is an Internet-savvy, award-winning, lifestyle guru, making all of us look lazy. She doesn’t just find a nice guy to settle down with — she marries a rock star and then domesticates him. She doesn’t just cook — she goes to Spain with Mario Batali and then domesticates him! She is not just a lifestyle guru, but she invents a whole new fitness movement and then convinces me to try it, and I do it, and I am, therefore, domesticated ... sweating my ass off in spandex, which is humbling and embarrassing."
Alas, his message was not heard. The audience just clapped inanely, mistaking his words for a compliment instead of the cry for help that it so clearly was. Don't worry, Jake. Your effort was not in vain. Someday, everyone will realize you were speaking the Truth. Hopefully before it's too late.