Cash4Gold is not pleased that a prankster named Mr. Haberny has been sending its geologists ziplock bags of gold-painted rocks and demanding payment. Nor are they amused by Mr. Haberny's evocative, J. Peterman–eque tales about how he came into the possession of said rocks, like the time he found "gold nuggets" during a "soul-searching pilgrimage" to Tibet with a legless hooker from Singapore. After the prankster's third attempt to extract payment for the rocks in the form of either (1) an "ungreased backdoor; Hammertime lovemaking session" with Cash4Gold telemarketers Carol and Tracy or (2) "a birthday party at McDonald's" hosted by the recently deceased Ed McMahon, the company's lawyers sent a letter to Mr. Haberny ordering him to stop his preposterous claims for compensation. Dear Cash4Gold legal team, never cease or desist being humorless! You not getting it is priceless.
*Due to excessive holiday beverage consumption on the part of its author, this post has been updated for clarification.
Irate Cash4Gold letter to a lewd prankster [BoingBoing]