Model and heiress Lydia Hearst Shaw will play a Lindsay Lohan–like character in a new movie that screenwriter Charles Casillo is hoping to get made, according to "Page Six." Hearst, who has of late been dating actor Jeff Goldblum, will act out the part of "a bratty movie goddess in and out of rehab, in trouble with the law, and hounded by greedy agents, predatory paparazzi, off-the-wall stalkers, and crazed media — a role obviously based on Lindsay Lohan," explains Casillo, who will also act in the film. The third co-star will be Joan Collins, who also acted in Casillo's film short Fetish, which allegedly "was a hit" on the festival circuit. The Lohan parody film will be called Dogs in Pocketbooks.
Let's go through the bad ideas in this story:
1) Why is Lydia Hearst, a beautiful young woman who is well-liked and has everything going for her, starring in a movie by a no-name screenwriter in the first place? (For a sample of Casillo's previous work, see here.) Acting in films by unknown screenwriters who also insist on putting themselves in every one of their movies is like going on a bus tour with a driver who doesn't know how to drive but still insists upon narrating the tour over the loudspeaker. Because, hey, why have the guy concentrate on one thing he hasn't mastered when he can concentrate on two?
2) Dogs in Pocketbooks? Does anyone other than a Talbots-wearing suburban mom use the word pocketbook anymore? Paris Hilton sure as hell isn't wandering around saying, "Has anybody seen Tinkerbell? Someone go check my pocketbooks."
3) Remember what happened when E-Trade had to settle with Lindsay Lohan after creating an ad about a "milkaholic" baby who happened to be named Lindsay? Imagine how well it's going to go for you when Lohan's lawyer reads your quote about how the movie is based on her, to a judge, in court.
4) Jeff Golblum??
Okay, we counted four. Now you go.