Beware of the Wall Street ‘Zeros’


You might hear and see some strange, terrible things on Wall Street in the coming months. An ungainly roar coming from the back office. A blood-curdling scream. Pale, empty creatures who stagger around as if they've been drained of their life force and who occasionally pause to grasp the living, breathing people that step into their paths and moan, in an unearthly tone, the name of the one and only thing their degenerated minds allow them to think about: bonuses. These are the Zeros, as the Times calls them today, once normal, cash-flush masters of the universe whose compensation was restructured during the recession and therefore made them ineligible for a cash bonus. Be careful of them! "Dealing with the Zeros can be complicated," senior bankers warn the paper. "It's a real headache." At the least! At worst, bankers cornered by desperate hungry Zeros are forced to take extreme measures:

There has been so much grousing that in some cases, he said, “we’ll throw $20,000 or $25,000 at each of the Zeros so they’re not discouraged.”

However, this only placates the Unpaid for so long, sayeth the banker: "No matter what we pay people, it is never enough and they always find something to complain about."

This Bonus Season on Wall Street, Many See Zeros