If We Were Friends With John Paulson, Part XII


The conversation we might have had with billionaire hedge-funder John Paulson over Instant Messenger today, if we were pals.

Paul-Money: Hey JP

Daily Intel: Hey P-Money, one sec

Daily Intel: Sorry I was just calculating. With the extension of the Bush tax cuts, I am going to get, like, $40 back this year.

Daily Intel: Which is great because it will cover all the OnDemand movies I have purchased and passed out before watching. How about you?

Paul-Money: I'm probably going to save like a gajillion dollars. Because I am insaaaaaaaanely rich.

Daily Intel: Oh yeah, I know.

Paul-Money: No, I mean like eye-poppingly, ball-shrivelingly, grotesquely loaded. Did you see the story in the Journal today?

Daily Intel: No, I have been kind of distracted by the Egypt stuff.

Paul-Money: Yeah, that shit has been doing wonders for my gold holdings.

Paul-Money: ANYWAY.

Paul-Money: So I personally made $5 billion this year, which means I made more than basically anyone.

Daily Intel: Anyone?

Paul-Money: Pretty much.

Daily Intel: So now you're richer than the CEOs of banks?

Paul-Money: Girl, please. "James Gorman, chief executive of 76-year-old investment bank Morgan Stanley, is expected to receive compensation of less than $15 million for 2010."

Paul-Money: Scrotum = throat.

Daily Intel: What about other hedge-fund managers? Brass Balls, and the kooky guy with the animal metaphors?

Paul-Money: Yup. "Appaloosa Management founder David Tepper and Bridgewater Associates chief Ray Dalio each personally made between $2 billion and $3 billion last year, according to investors and people familiar with the situation."

Daily Intel: How about the guy in Connecticut, the one with his own ice-skating rink?

Paul-Money: Skating on his face:

Paul-Money: "It is nearly as much as the $6.4 billion that Forbes magazine last year estimated as the total net worth of Steven Cohen, the well-known head of $12 billion hedge-fund firm SAC Capital."

Daily Intel: What about Goldman Sachs? You can't have made more money than Goldman Sachs.

Paul-Money: "By comparison, Goldman Sachs Group Inc., Wall Street's most profitable investment bank, paid all of its 36,000 employees a total of $8.35 billion last year."

Daily Intel: Amaze. What are you going to do with all that?

Paul-Money: Got the kids making a fort out of stacks of bills in the living room right now. I'll probably sleep in there tonight. Blaze up. Then tomorrow, who knows?