Martha Stewart was leading her usual charmed life Tuesday night, carving Day of the Dead skulls out of imported Mexican gourds, infusing homemade potpourri with honey from sacrificial virgin bees, when something, suddenly, didn’t go according to plan. As Stewart prepared to travel from her Bedford, New York, manse for her other no-doubt lavish home in Manhattan to tape her show, Stewart’s beloved French bulldog Francesca decided she was sick of it. Just sick. All this perfection, all this hand-lacquered domesticity, and for what? Francesca decided, for once goddamn it, to muss things up a bit. “As I leaned down to whisper goodbye to a dozing Francesca,” Stewart wrote on her blog, “I must have startled her, because she bolted upright with such force that she hit me in the face like a boxing glove hitting an opponent’s face.”
Of course, Francesca regretted acting out of turn immediately. “I was entirely startled and my neck snapped back. I felt a bit of whiplash as blood gushed forth from my split lip. Frannie was as upset as I was and cowered in her bed.” She hadn’t meant to send her doting owner to the hospital for stitches, it was just supposed to be a small act, a token gesture of chaos to rumple the flawless exterior. Luckily, Stewart rebounded to form, calling her daughter to make sure a plastic surgeon would be waiting in the emergency room and requesting a ride from the police before remembering that she had a willing escort. Yoo hoo, Driver! We’ll be making an unscheduled stop. Between this and President Obama’s busted lip from the pickup basketball game, one more incident of powerful people suffering lip-area destruction at the hands of would-be allies and we’re calling it a trend. Sarah Palin, start approaching grizzlies very slowly.