Exclusive IMs Between President Obama and Mark Zuckerberg

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Photo: Brendan Hoffman/Bloomberg via Getty Images,GABRIEL BOUYS/AFP/Getty Images

Tonight, President Obama dines with the nerds. As part of a series of meetings Obama is having with titans of industry, the president will be dining at the home of prominent venture capitalist (and bubble champion) John Doerr. The leaked guest list, courtesy of the New York Times, hits almost every major influencer in technology, including Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg, Apple CEO Steve Jobs, Twitter CEO Dick Costolo, Netflix CEO Reed Hastings, and Google chairman Eric Schmidt. But before the big powwow about job creation and innovation, President Obama and Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg exchange a few IMs. Intel has the completely imaginary exclusive.


SmokeyBarr: Hey! Mark Zuckerberg. It's super nice of you to come to my little shindig tonight. Michelle and I saw The Social Network, so heheh, you know, I wasn't sure ...

PrivacySux: It's a movie.

SmokeyBarr: Oh yeah, totally. Fictional, right?

PrivacySux: I am personable. IRL.

SmokeyBarr: Right, well, I just wanted to say, you know, thanks for all your help with Egypt and the spread of democracy. I think there's no question any more about the role that social networks can play in organizing a revolution — giving a tool to the voiceless.

PrivacySux: Is that a question?

SmokeyBarr: Don't mistake me for that Bambi-eyed Brazilian, kid.

PrivacySux: Sorry.

SmokeyBarr: No. It's fine. I was just saying my hands were kinda tied with the billions the military invested in "stability" and footing the bill for Mubarak's German spa vacays. Say, did you ever notice how my first name is almost in his last name? We were kinda shocked Palin didn't go there. But yeah, I was rooting for the protesters. And I was heartened to see how technology bent the arc of justice ...

ISeeU: We helped too!

SmokeyBarr: Eric Schmidt! Didn't the FCC talk to Google about this kind of thing?

ISeeU:: Whatever. We helped. It was our executive who set up the Facebook group. We were the ones who came up with a solution when Twitter was down. They still like Google in Egypt. Why is everything always a Twitter revolution, or a Facebook revolution? How would you even find them if not for us?

SmokeyBarr: Eric, this is an AB conversation. I think you know where I'm going with this.

ISeeU:: Fine, I'll go invisible. But I'm still going to watch.

PrivacySux: Put me on the other end of the table from him.

SmokeyBarr: It's already in the seating chart.

SmokeyBarr: Anyway, the other thing I wanted to talk about was your valuation. I have high hopes for the tech industry. Really high. But $50 billion is getting pretty steep there, huh? What if this Facebook Credits thing doesn't catch on? Look, we both have a friend in Wall Street. Goldman was my largest private campaign contributor. It's fine to futz around with those kind of numbers when it's dupes suckered in by Goldman, but going public — at that figure — when the stock market is still recovering ...

PrivacySux: Facebook is private company. No plans for an IPO. People say 2012. Zuckerberg no confirm.

SmokeyBarr: Did you just start talking to me in robot voice?

PrivacySux: Robot says no.

SmokeyBarr: Have I mentioned how much I'm looking forward to this.

PrivacySux: I'll bet.