It’s True: Intel Jessica Is Growing Up

By and

Christal: Well, this is it.
JPress : Don’t say that! It sounds so final.
Christal : We had this baby together and we raised it, and now I'm going to be a single mom.
JPress : I will still have visitation rights!
Christal : So go ahead and say it. Tell us all about your new job that you’re leaving me for.
JPress : Oh god this is embarrassing. Anyway I’m not leaving you. I am just going to work over on the magazine side.


Christal : Yes, you're moving across the office, to Scriberia where all the serious writers are.
JPress : I'm here now. It’s very quiet. I think they're all out having three-martini lunches.
Christal : That explains a lot. That Chris Smith, always under the table once noon comes around. And Bob Kolker? If I had a nickel for every time he punched me right in the face during an afternoon meeting…
JPress : I think he might be passed out at his desk now. I hear gentle snoring coming from somewhere.
Christal : So, what kind of stuff will you be writing about?
JPress : Pretty much the same stuff I do on Intel. Except that instead of imagining what people think all day, I'm going to talk to them and see what they actually think.
Christal : What an adventure! But enough about you. What am I going to do without you?
JPress : Well, I’m not leaving-leaving, I'm still around. I'm not shunning the Internet or anything.
Christal : Will you still do the Gossip Girl recap with me?
JPress : Of course! You think I would leave you to do all that really hard math on your own? And if I have a vision for a Lloyd Blankfein photoshop, or start hearing Tim Geithner's inner spirit-voice whispering plaintively inside of my head, or have a Brush With Greatness, I will write it up or whatever. And who knows, I might fill in if Dan or Nitasha break both of their hands, if for whatever reason can't pull it together and type with pencils in their mouths like we did back in the day.
JPress : What about you? Isn't your job changing so you are also doing a little of both?
Christal : Yes. I'm going to continue to run Intel and contribute to the magazine — one foot in both worlds. (Someone has to be around to bandage Dan and Nitasha's hands.)
JPress : Amira is accident prone.
Christal : Remember that time we found him in the refrigerator?
JPress : Ha, yes.
JPress : I have a lot of happy Intel memories. Remember when we started?
Christal : We had never met each other. But somehow our writing styles like snapped into One Voice.
JPress : It was so long ago, there wasn’t even commenting yet. We laughed a lot.
Christal : We laughed until we cried.
JPress : And snot came out of your nose. But never mine because I am a lady.
JPress : We did fun things like crash parties.
Christal : And we got in trouble too.
JPress : Like when we named the week all of Tiger’s mistresses came out Skank Week.
Christal : Which stretched into Skank Fortnight. And a really embarrassing Photoshop of me that showed up when my boyfriend’s mom Googled me.
JPress : Ha, remember when I wrote about you having loud sex when you were out of town and you got mad? And that time that you got asked to tone down “The Gayness of Intel.”
Christal : Which led to one of my favorite tags.
JPress : We're probably going to get in trouble for this, too.
Christal : Like the skanks, we had a good long run. One that possibly went longer than it should have.
JPress : We’re like those marathon runners that crap their pants, and just keep running.
Christal : We outlasted Hathaello.
JPress : We outlasted Madonna and A-Rod.
Christal : That feels like 100 years ago.
JPress : It was 2008. But he's had like a million other famous girlfriends since then so it feels like longer.
Christal : It's really amazing. He's like a big orange dildo. Oh wait, I just realized: Now I get to have a new famous girlfriend. (Or boyfriend! Seriously, we’re hiring.)
JPress : On that note, I guess we should wrap this up. What should we use for art? I hate that photo of us that is out there, my arm looks fat.
Christal : I want to do the cover art from Where the Red Fern Grows.
JPress : Hahaha.
Christal : Is that a thing that people will get?
JPress : Are we the dogs?
Christal : Yeah, one dies and the other can't live without him so she dies too.
JPress : You're not going to die! I mean, yet.
Christal : It’s really been an honor to work with you. I think you are maybe the funniest girl in the world. Oh, geez. I promised myself I wouldn’t cry.
JPress : You’re not really crying. You’re just saying that because we’re on IM and I can't see you.
Christal : But now you’re not over the cubicle wall to check!
Christal : From now on, you won't be there to act like you really need to talk to me when I'm trapped on the phone with wretched publicists.
JPress : And you’re not going to be able to sneak into my drawer and pour yourself some tequila from my secret stash.
Christal : I guess we do have reasons to visit one another after all. Synergy.
Christal : I love you, man.
JPress : I love you, too. But for the last time: I'm not a man.