Man Found a Sex Scarecrow Filled With Chinese Food in Roommate’s Bed

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Much, much messier than this. Photo: iStockphoto

Peter Kassel's account of what happened to a guy named "Doug" comes secondhand, so take it with a grain of salt. But it also involves a mock human (possible sex toy) made of leftovers, so listen close. On the fashion blog Refinery 29, Kassel recounts the story of trying to find a sublet on short notice. Kassel found a space in the spare office of the apartment of a freelance writer named Doug. Aside from a "kind of 'dude' funk smell that some might have shied away from," Doug's room was a steal, so Kassel asked what gives. Doug proceeded to tell Kassel the weirdest roommate story we've ever heard. Hoarders are one thing. Sex-toy enthusiasts are another. Doug's former roommate Jack is something else entirely.

Starting with the words, "I'd feel like an ass if I rented the place to you and didn't tell you what happened here a few months ago," Doug explained how he found his former roommate Jack on Craigslist. They had the kind of relationship where you're essentially living with a stranger and avoid each other as much as possible. During a heavy rainstorm, however, Doug went into Jack's room to close the window. Once inside, Doug found stacks of half-eaten Chinese-food containers. Next Doug found a boot filled with Chinese food (Refinery 29 has the photographic evidence). Then he saw a human-shaped object beneath the twin bed.


With absolute trepidation, Doug lifted the bed and slid it a few feet away, knocking over a pile of takeout boxes. What he uncovered wasn't — to his immediate relief — a real person. But it was a person's shape, with a hooded sweatshirt attached to gloves and a pair of jeans, with the other boot tucked into the leg. Coming out of the seams were remnants of noodles, rice, and meat, grease stains pooling through the fabric and onto the floor, spoiled scraps of food filling the hoodie to the brim. Doug scanned the body — and ... yep, there it was. Noodles oozed out of the unzipped fly; a glory hole that Jack had ostensibly been taking advantage of all spring long.

You can make this sort of thing up. But if you did, you should be on contract somewhere and not freelance.

Meat Lover! The Scariest (True) NYC Sublet Story You've Ever Heard [Refinery 29 via Running Scared]