Newt Gingrich Is Running for President

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Newt Gingrich finally entered the presidential race today with a no-frills announcement video filmed in what appears to be the ethereal in-between world where people in comas go. Gingrich stands against blackness, illuminated only by the angelic glow of light that naturally radiates from his body at all times. He recaps his accomplishments in Congress – destroying the Soviet Union, etc. – promises "more jobs, more prosperity, a better health system, longer lives, greater independent living, and a county that is decentralized under the 10th amendment with power once again back with the American people," and tries his best every once in a while to smile.