Greg Gutfeld’s Favorite Medication Is Shame

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Photo: Courtesy of FOX News Channel

Name: Greg Gutfeld
Age: 46
Neighborhood: Hell's Kitchen
Occupation: Host of FOX News Channel's Red Eye; author of The Bible of Unspeakable Truths.

Who's your favorite New Yorker, living or dead, real or fictional?
The NYPD. There, that should buy us a few hours. Drink?

What's the best meal you've eaten in New York?
Salt-and-pepper pork chops, Lucky Sunday on Eighth Avenue. I’d be happy to order in, if you like. Take off your shoes. Relax!

In one sentence, what do you actually do all day in your job?
Think about stuff, write it down, then say it; in between, I sob.

What was your first job in New York?
48th and Twelfth, apartment 5A. They said it was a bachelorette party. Can we talk about something else?

What's the last thing you saw on Broadway?
It's Complicated. The 1:40 p.m. showing. I was the only one there. Ashton speaks to me. I brought my own dip.

Do you give money to panhandlers?
You mean the nice ladies in the cookware department at Williams-Sonoma? When they’re helpful.

What's your drink?
Finally! I thought you’d never ask! Make mine a Skinny Girl Martini Margarita. Pour it through one of your socks.

How often do you prepare your own meals?
Only when I have guests over. Speaking of — you haven’t even touched the bruschetta. That’s obviously goat cheese. Why would it be anything else?

What's your favorite medication?
Shame.

What's hanging above your sofa?
About time you noticed. Just something I picked up at the Holland Bar. He really doesn’t mind.

How much is too much to spend on a haircut?
I cut my own hair. Go ahead. Run your fingers through it. Nice, eh? You smell good.

When's bedtime?
Whoa. We just started this. Why the rush? I am flattered, though. I have this effect on people.

Which do you prefer, the old Times Square or the new Times Square?
I hate them both equally. It’s a seedy caterpillar that turned into an obnoxious butterfly. I fear what’s next. Is that a mole? Just curious.

What do you think of Donald Trump?
You know when your mom leaves a TV on in the other room, and it’s on all day, and you can hear it throughout the house? That’s what I think of when I think of Donald Trump. It’s why I moved out last month.

What do you hate most about living in New York?
You’re no longer visiting it, so it’s rare to feel awe or joy over anything. Instead you’re fed up — because all you see is stuff that bugs you. I’m talking about you, S. Epatha Merkerson.

Who is your mortal enemy?
Cathagorithipicus.

When's the last time you drove a car?
What are you alluding to? I don’t like where this is going. The whole thing was settled out of court.

How has the Wall Street crash affected you?
Not as many clients from the investment-banking world. They tipped well, I’ll say that much.

Times, Post, or Daily News?
The Post, which is owned by FNC’S parent company: RICH DUDE WHO CAN FIRE ME, INC.

Where do you go to be alone?
Okay … I get it. Come with me. Downstairs. It’s a converted basement … more like an "activity pit" where I’m able to exercise. Without weights. Just body resistance. Put on this singlet.

What makes someone a New Yorker?
The ability to make your point with a friendly tone that implies violence. So … you coming or not?