Straight People: Please Don’t Get Married on July 24

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The demand among gay couples in New York City to get married on Sunday, July 24 — the first day that gay marriage becomes legal — is so overwhelming that the city has been forced to create a lottery for the occasion, Mayor Bloomberg announced today. “We’ve done our homework,” Bloomberg said. “And it’s clear that the number of couples who want to marry on Sunday is more than the City Clerk’s offices could possibly handle. And the last thing we want is for couples to wait on line for hours and hours, only to walk away upset on what was supposed to be the happiest day of their lives.” The details, according to an official press release:


Notice that both gay couples and straight couples are eligible for the lottery. We understand the rationale behind this decision — gay couples get equal treatment now, after all, not preferential treatment. The city doesn’t want to be seen as using its resources to favor any group over another. And, in fact, many heterosexual couples have expressed interest in taking advantage of the rare Sunday opening at the city clerk’s offices:

According to these figures, nearly 1,000 straight couples want to get married or pick up a marriage license on July 24. In light of the need for a lottery, we say to those couples, from one heterosexual to another: Pick another day. Any day. Monday. Tuesday. Wednesday would be fine. If that doesn’t work out, try Thursday. Friday is another possibility.

Hear this, straight people: Maybe it’s convenient for you to get married over the weekend, or maybe you just like the novelty factor of tying the knot on a historic day. But the opportunity means a hell of a lot more for gay couples. Every spot in the lottery occupied by one of you means a gay couple misses out on an experience with much deeper personal significance. This is no way to act, straight people. Sunday is supposed to be a beautiful day. Why not go enjoy some outdoor straight-people activities, like attending a baseball game, or drinking an unnecessary amount of beer, perhaps while attending a baseball game. Or stay cool with some popular indoor straight-people pastimes, like watching the new Transformers movie while wearing pleated pants.

Whatever you do, don’t get married. Doing so would be selfish, and heartless. In short, it would be kind of a dick move. And the only dicks at the city clerk’s offices on Sunday should be the ones in the pants of the gay men who are finally allowed to get married, for the first time ever.

MAYOR BLOOMBERG, SPEAKER QUINN AND NEW YORK CITY CLERK MCSWEENEY ANNOUNCE PUBLIC LOTTERY FOR ANY COUPLE WISHING TO MARRY ON SUNDAY, JULY 24TH [NYC.gov]