At 2 p.m. today, the nation's broadcasters did a test of our Emergency Alert System. This was the first time such a test had been conducted everywhere in the country at the same time; normally, local affiliates handle the scheduling. The results were ... mixed. Re-mixed! Apparently, the way that we as a nation will be alerted to the dropping of an atomic bomb or the start of World War III will be via a Lady Gaga song. "Paparazzi", specifically, is what many DirectTV subscribers heard in lieu of the normal warning system. (If we were D.J.-ing the end of days, we might have gone with something more topical. Maybe that Britney Spears song about dancing till the end of time? ) Later, as America is under attack, Direct TV watchers will apparently get to hear some song by a dude named Eric Hutchinson. A post-apocalyptic America will be into easy-listening/adult contemporary/radio pop! Much like ... America.