No. 1 American Chuck Norris Endorses Newt Gingrich

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Chuck Norris at a 2008 rally for then-candidate Mike Huckabee. (SAUL LOEB/AFP/Getty Images)
Photo: SAUL LOEB/2008 AFP

The endorsements just keep rolling in for Newt, who can tick off Mama Grizzly Sarah Palin, tongue-tied Rick Perry, and now (drum roll please) the toughest guy in the world, Mr. America himself, the one and only Chuck Norris. Just imagine the T-shirts they'll be able to make: "If You Don't Vote for Newt, Chuck Norris Will Come and Destroy You." It seems Norris had been leaning toward his "friend" Texas governor Rick Perry until he suddenly up and quit the race on Thursday, which is why his somewhat-couched endorsement described Gingrich as "the best man left on the battlefield who is able to outwit, outplay and outlast Obama and his campaign machine."

I’m tired of watching our country being torn to shreds by those who think the answer is more government debt and control. I’m tired of being in bondage to a tax system that robs U.S. citizens like the king of England did before the Revolution. I’m tired of watching our sovereignty being sold by foreign loans and loose borders. And I will not sit back and merely watch this decay and degradation of the U.S. and then hand it over to my children and grandchildren to deal with.

Indeed, it is a bleak world that action hero and sometime-conspiracy theorist Chuck Norris lives in, and it seems only white-haired savior Newt Gingrich, he of the three wives and the "grandiose thoughts," can set it right. As for Newt, his campaign gleefully accepted the endorsement and began casting around for which Cabinet position Norris should get in a Gingrich White House.

An Illinois "husband, father, pastor, patriot" submitted anti-terrorism czar.

One man used his first tweet ever to suggest Chuck "The Czar Czar" Norris.

Missouri man Robert Burnett and "grandfather of 3 who is afraid for his chilrens and grandchildrens future," thought he should be head of Immigrant and Customs Enforcement.

As for North Carolina man Justin Whitener, there is only one post good enough for the man who's pounded so many other men into the dust (at least on television): Secretary of Defense.

After all, weirder things have happened in America, like one Gubernator we can think of.