Once a week, Daily Intel takes a peek behind doors left slightly ajar. This week, the Married, Churchgoing Chauffeur Crashing His Computer With Porn Sites: Male, 62, Maine, Private Chauffeur, "Omnisexual," Married for 38 years.
2 a.m. While driving home from a private chauffeuring run, I talk on my cell for half hour with Flirty Friend in California regarding sex in her new marriage. She has issues with reaching orgasm. I recall bringing her to orgasm once, through energy only, after a massage session in our home, with my Wife in the next room. She blessed me immediately after that with an airtight, totally bonding hug, which seemed to go on forever. Almost as close as I have ever been to anyone, oddly.
9 p.m. Drive to see Hot Redhead Friend. Do clothed massage for her at her request, as I have many times before. Very aware of her pubic hair as I gently work on her trim thighs. I love the warm, close, quiet, relaxed connection. "Your wife is very lucky," she murmurs. Call from Wife at midnight. Where am I? We have had almost 40 years of such wonderings. She is resigned to it. I tell her HRF says "Hi," and head home.
1 a.m. Wife still awake in bed. I pause to kiss her, tuck her in. She has recently started saying she sees and smells flowers when I kiss her.
1:30 a.m. Check e-mail. Will I visit some of the usual porn sites? Reason says sleep, other parts of me want to look. Reason wins out for once.
6:20 a.m. Almost crash computer trying to access infected porn site. Have crashed our two computers several times this year. Typical addictive behavior.
6:45 a.m. First orgasm of morning, to a new video on a porn site I frequent, one that I know is safe and won't crash the computer. Video reminds me of Flirty Friend. Familiar, welcome waves of warm, buzzing, tingling relief wash over much of my body. The tension inside me ebbs.
10:38 a.m. Second orgasm, still strong. Same site. Lean, muscular woman giving a rim job, saying, "You deserve it!" Strong trigger. Come within seconds.
4:21 a.m. First orgasm of day, watching a rather plain-looking woman in her forties with a hot guy. Missing the easy comfort of a similar fuck-buddy of mine from the distant past, in another lifetime. There's none of that now.
Midnight Have driven customers 500 miles over the last 40 hours. Now dealing with a little snow and long waits. One of my customers sleeps gratefully in my backseat all the way home from airport.
12:30 a.m. See HRF again. Give good slow, warm back massage, direct on skin. Wonderful. She bakes cookies, gives me a great haircut while we talk of sex addiction. Thank God for someone who talks about it. On my way home, I imagine slowly, gently entering her from behind as we spoon before sleeping. Happy thought, even though it will never happen.
5 a.m. Up before dawn as usual, online as usual. Nothing clicking. Saw Beautiful Neighbor in passing at church yesterday. She smiled at me radiantly. I was instantly attracted and feel strongly it is mutual ... what to do? I e-mail her to see if there's any interest.
5:40 a.m. First orgasm of day suddenly, within seconds, to bestiality clip.
6:20 a.m. Online again, this time reacting strongly to two young guys kissing each other. Especially into the very thin, eager brown-haired one kissing both sides of the blond's neck. This is something I would do, longed to do, especially with a classmate back in school, but it never happened. Have daydreamed of him ever since.
7 a.m. Watching more guys. This time the darker one kisses the tanned tummy of another. Also something I would love to do, but have never come close to.
7:30 a.m. Watch a third gay video. Gentle loving gazes between the actors. There seems to be a real connection; all interactions seem twice as slow as usual, with lots of gentle kisses. They kiss willingly after they've come in each other's mouth, then happily settle into each other's arms to cuddle. This makes sense to me, yet it's so seldom seen, with men or women in porn.
9 a.m. In between getting off, thinking about the difference between affection without sex and sex without affection. Have settled mostly on the former now. It's a maddening puzzle even after so many years.
7:15 a.m. Second orgasm of morning is unexpectedly strong. Watching more gay scenes. Trim, tanned, handsome older man in his early sixties, like me, is with a boy in his early twenties. They kiss earnestly and exchange blow jobs. Then, oddly, the boy puts a sock in the older man's mouth, ties his hands behind his back, and enters him from behind, slapping him so softly on the butt there is scarcely any impact. Funny, absent-minded love pats. This is endearing to me. Are they related? Uncle-nephew? Father-son? I wonder. There seems a deep similarity, some long history of relationship. If only my own father had been more this way in his sexual contact with me, instead of drunk, brutal, violent ... what might have been different?
7 p.m. Gave one of my female friends, another crush, a ride in my limo today. She looked worn and pale, but was still deeply attractive to me, as ever. Could scarcely restrain myself from grabbing her and kissing her wildly. In two days, I will drive with her to another friend, S's, birthday ... an important one. S. is so much younger than any of us. S & I were wildly attracted to each other from the outset, years ago, even though the attraction never went anywhere. Hugs with her are better than sex with most people. Have talked over her request about sex. We've agreed to not doing anything about it for the usual reasons, including our faith and marriages.
4 p.m. Napping. Woken by call for an unexpected limo pickup early morning tomorrow at a local airport.
6 a.m. First orgasm of day, post-limo ride. Watching two Thai transsexuals. The tender, genuine affection between the two was deeply touching to me.
6:30 a.m. Start to watch a brutal female domination whipping video with a mix of horror and fascination, including the harsh sound of the whip landing, sight of masses of welts and slashes. Reminds me of violent childhood beatings, my mother's deep cruelty and mental-emotional imbalance, her laughing at my suffering. I myself desire neither to beat nor to be beaten, nor am I sexually stimulated by it, but I'm driven to seek some understanding of it.
8 p.m. Long, fussy day after the early limo run. Called male friend in D.C. to compare notes on sexual frustrations in marriage. He suggests we pray for each other this Lent. Good call.
9:30 p.m. Familiar fantasy: dear skinny little blonde girl does hand job for older man like me. Thinking about it, I have a very strong orgasm. When I'm done, I'm shaking, and my heart is pounding hard.
10 p.m. Beautiful Neighbor from church e-mails me back, but is only interested in platonic friendship.
5:30 a.m. Quiet, gray, chill. Not going online. No orgasms. The internal chemical balance will shift eventually.
7 a.m. Wife is up early, wants to go online herself, for very different ends. She has loved me for decades, when anyone else would have left.
9:30 a.m. Up after napping again. Feeling weak, with traces of recent flu. Errands to run: license renewal, car repair, insurance, etc., before party.
3 p.m. Attend S.'s birthday party with wife; we drive down with Crush. Who thought this would work well? But S. welcomes me with many hugs and kisses, and Wife and Crush do surprisingly well despite understandable longstanding jealousies.
8 p.m. Wife and I stop for late dinner. My breath is taken away by tall, strong brunette in leather, just an arm's length away, unnoticed by Wife, as usual. I let it go. I'm trying to let it all go, but I'm not sure if I'll be able to do that. Full day offline has been very shaky, but doable.
TOTALS: 2 massages given; 1 computer crash averted; 10 orgasms from masturbation; 1 e-mail to beautiful neighbor; 3 homosexual fantasies; 1 car ride with wife and crush.