The overdone, tone-deaf, and clueless missives sent by current and aspiring Wall Streeters are by now a classic genre online, laughed at across all sorts of blogs and e-mail chains. Typically there are the ones struggling to get a date and the ones struggling to get a job, the latter of which we sympathize with more because it’s both bleak and cutthroat out there (plus women still want to date these guys, apparently), and besides, how does one make a cover letter stand out anyway? Here’s one tip, though: Don’t mention feats of physical strength.
The latest punching bag is an NYU student aspiring to land a job at J.P. Morgan; he is hyped about his achievements:
I am unequivocally the most unflaggingly hard worker I know, and I love self-improvement. I have always felt that my time should be spent wisely, so I continuously challenge myself; I left Villanova because the work was too easy. Once I realized I could achieve a perfect GPA while holding a part-time job at NYU, I decided to redouble my effort by placing out of two classes, taking two honors classes, and holding two part-time jobs. That semester I achieved a 3.93, and in the same time I managed to bench double my bodyweight and do 35 pull-ups.
There’s more, but we can’t really stomach it because he’s aware of his inability to hit the right tone, as evidenced by the qualifying statement near the end of his letter: “Please realize that I am not a braggart or conceited, I just want to outline my usefulness. Egos can be a huge liability, and I try not to have one.” He will doubtlessly try harder next time.