The Bisexual Woman Looking for a Man to Scrub Her Floors (Literally)

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Once a week, Daily Intel takes a peek behind doors left slightly ajar. This week, the Bisexual Woman Looking for A Man to Scrub Her Floors (Literally): Female, 37, Toronto, nonprofit director, bisexual, in an open marriage.

DAY ONE

9:13 a.m. Lately, Spouse and I have both been pretty active outside our marriage. Spouse has a girlfriend (I'll call her SG), and I am auditioning a variety of enterprising men for the role of lover. The most promising one is Married Man, a straight guy in a monogamous marriage. Which means he's cheating on her, with me. I've never been with a monogamously married person before, so, for ethical guidance on this, I turn to BFF No. 1, a straight woman currently dating a man getting a divorce (so, technically still married), and BFF No. 2, a bisexual guy married to a man. BFF No. 1 is wary and engages me in a long email discussion about all the implications of the situation. But BFF No. 2 emails back right away to encourage me to go for it, since "if he doesn't cheat with you, he'll cheat with someone else." I go with that opinion, since it's the one that'll get me laid. It's an ethically-dubious decision, but sometimes desire wins out.

12:46 p.m. I have a flexible work schedule today; no meetings, which is rare. Spouse is out, so I come home to enjoy having the house to myself. We have several rules in our relationship, and one is not to bring lovers home unless the other one is away. Married Man takes a late lunch from work and bolts over for a quick romp. It's our first time having sex, and it's just … eh. He seems very nervous, I think due to the infidelity. So even though he has an orgasm in the end, he never seems to get really into it, which is something that's important to me. I like watching someone have a great time. I go down on him, while he gets me off with his fingers, and then we have sex. But he comes too fast when he's inside me for me to have time to climax again. He has to leave pretty quickly afterwards, so we don't get a chance to discuss the nervousness. But we usually talk out most things via email anyway.

11:20 p.m. Married Man and I are emailing, processing our feelings about this afternoon. It's easier for him to email late at night; I guess that's because his wife is asleep. He is pretty clear that, despite his initial anxiety from earlier today, he wants to continue having sex with me on the side, during times he can get away from his desk job. I'm attracted to him physically and can see the sex improving, so we agree to keep this going.

DAY TWO

4:10 p.m. Spouse is hanging out with SG today, and I brought home some work from the office. I have given myself the late afternoon off, and I have an empty house. Married Man leaves work early, and spends an hour rocking my world. He's kind of "vanilla," and I've been known to get kinky, but I can see that he likes it when I ask him to be rough with me. I ride on top for a while, and then we get into standard missionary, which is one of my favorite positions. He comes inside me, and I feel the energy and pulse of his body in mine, and that makes me come, too.

DAY THREE

8:30 a.m. I have a little fetish, which Spouse is not into. The fact that we can "outsource" some of our sexual needs is one of my favorite things about being in an open marriage. This fetish: I have a dominant side sometimes, and I like it when a cute guy comes to my house and cleans it. Watching a man scrub my floors is a huge turn-on, and almost always ends in sex — and a clean floor! That's what I call a win-win. I found a submissive twenty-something European on Craigslist, and he wants to be my houseboy. I'm at least ten years older than him, which makes me feel like a cougar. I'm into it. We've had schedule conflicts and haven't met in person yet. Finally, we're supposed to meet this evening at 7, at a nearby café. If I get a sense that he's not a creep, I'm going to bring him home, hand him the mop bucket, and put him to the test. (Spouse has agreed to stay at SG's apartment tonight, so I can be alone with Euro-boy.) I open my email this morning to see a sweet message from him confirming our meet-up and talking about how eager he is to "please Mistress." I smile and finish getting ready to go to work.

10:47 a.m. Work has turned into a nightmare. We're in the middle of a huge grant project, and everything that could go wrong has. There's no way I'm getting out of here in time. When no one is looking, I log on to my secret sex-related email account and tell Euro-boy that we have to reschedule. In the meantime, though, he has to do some "homework." I like my boys to wear butt plugs while they serve me; it's like a fetish within a fetish. I like the idea of being metaphorically inside someone while they work to please me. Euro-boy is a plug-virgin. In fact, he's a complete virgin to anything anal. I tell him to go to a local feminist sex shop and buy a small plug and some lube, go home, put it in, and masturbate. Then he has to email me a full description of the experience.

10:50 a.m. Euro-boy must be having a slow day at his job, because he emails me back right away to say he's going to do the homework assignment. He seems less than thrilled about the idea of sticking a sex toy up his butt, but says "I'll do it for your pleasure, Mistress." That's my boy.

DAY FOUR

Noon It's mid-day on Saturday, and I'm at work again, still trying to fix things with this grant before the deadline. I recently joined an online dating site. I'm bi, and lately I have all these men in my life. I'd like to meet some ladies, too, and supposedly they are on there. Somehow, though, the site keeps matching me with men. One of them, a grad student, asked me last week to meet him for coffee this afternoon. At this point, due to work, I know that that's not going to happen. I email him to tell him. Then, I reflect on how much less work and more free time I would have if I had gone for a traditional corporate career path, instead of this do-gooder, non-profit, save-the-world stuff. Spending my weekend in a cramped, ramshackle office staring at budgets is not my idea of sexy. Damn my bleeding heart.

3:45 p.m. Academic emails back to say that he understands, since writing his dissertation keeps him "just as busy," and that we'll "connect some other time." I sense that he's blowing me off, and I don't really blame him. Who wants to get ditched for a spreadsheet?

8:30 p.m. Finally home, and to a romantic surprise from Spouse: a clean kitchen and a hot bath waiting for me. I love baths, and we have the best tub I've ever had: a soaker tub. If it's filled high enough, the water can come up to my neck, even if I'm sitting upright. After I unwind, we cuddle together on the couch and watch The Daily Show. We don't have sex as often as we did when we first met, seven years ago, but our cuddling is out of this world. I never thought I'd become one of those people who could value a night of cuddling as highly as a night of hot sex, but I have.

DAY FIVE

6:38 p.m. An email from Married Man is waiting for me, at the end of a weekend of silence. MM was spending time with his wife and kid, but he just wants to check in and say he hoped I had a good weekend. Reading the email, I'm both bored and slightly uncomfortable. I don't want to be reminded of his family, because that just reminds me that he's a married cheater. If he was in an open marriage, like me, this wouldn't be an issue.

DAY SIX

11:20 a.m. I met my work deadline, hooray. So now it's time for another sneaky break to check the sex-email inbox. Euro-boy has gotten back to me. He has a girlfriend and was busy with her all weekend. He says they have an open relationship, but that she doesn't want to know about what he does with other women. (She's also not into him serving her, which is why he looks for other women to submit to.) He's very concerned that, when we meet, I will leave a mark on him, like a bruise or a hickey. I've seen his picture, and he's super-hot, but I won't know if we have chemistry until we meet in person. I don't even know yet if I'm going to want to make out with him, let alone get rough. I'm not into doling out physical punishment anyway. I much prefer psychological domination. I want to boss him around, "force" him to clean my house, and then reward him with the opportunity to please me sexually. I like it when lovers are rough with me (when I'm in a submissive mood), not the other way around.

11:23 a.m. Read the rest of his email. He did find some time over the weekend to get to the toy store and buy the plug, as instructed. He says that it made masturbation feel strange and that his butt was uncomfortable, but that he could tolerate it. I instantly get wet at the thought that he took it for me, and had a weird jerk-off session, for me! Especially considering that I'm just some random kinky woman he's never even met. I wonder what lengths I can push him to, what other things he'll do to make me happy. We make plans to meet up in a week. That gives me seven days to let my imagination run wild.

DAY SEVEN

6 a.m. Spouse was in horrible pain last night, with what turned out to be an appendicitis. We spent the evening in the emergency room, then I went home to get some rest, while SG took "the night shift." Spouse is in the hospital now, resting, doped up on pain meds, and waiting to get scheduled for surgery. I'm heading over in a few minutes.

1:30 p.m. The surgery has been scheduled for tomorrow. Spouse and I are cuddling in a narrow hospital bed. Even though I went home to rest last night, I was too worried to sleep. Feeling better now because I know the diagnosis, the cure, and the fact that we're almost out of the woods, I drift off into a nap.

TOTALS: One act of oral sex given; one act of masturbation received; one act of missionary-position sex; one act of cowgirl-position sex; one act of masturbation ordered via online domination; two cuddle sessions.