Kim Jong Il Can Never Retire

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Yay. Photo: Pool/Getty Images

As twentysomething-year-old dictator Kim Jong Un was declared the first secretary of the ruling Workers' Party yesterday — a new title North Korea made up just for him, because they do that kind of stuff over there — his father, Kim Jong Il, was also given a new title, even though he's been dead for nearly four months: Eternal General Secretary. While this is a great honor, it may prove difficult, however, for Kim the Elder to perform his duties from hell, where there is only one computer with dial-up Internet access and everyone has to share it.