Last night’s #nerdprom in Washington — otherwise known as the White House Correspondents’ Dinner — delivered on its annual promise to the media. Down at the D.C. Hilton, journalists sat down with those they cover — the political elite, a smattering of Hollywood’s boldface names — for a mostly civil meal and a few rounds of super-topical, sometimes funny jokes, courtesy of our comedian/Commander-in-Chief and his trusty sidekick, Mr. Jimmy Kimmel. To save you the time of trawling YouTube, we’ve rounded up the cleverest lines.
The POTUS gives it his best shot.
Best Jab at Congress Members in the Audience: “I want to especially thank all the members who took a break from their exhausting schedule of not passing any laws to be here tonight.”
Best Hillary Clinton Joke: “Four years ago, I was locked in a brutal primary battle with Hillary Clinton. Four years later, she won’t stop drunk-texting me from Cartagena.”
Best “Who’s the Real Snob?” Joke: “I have one, he has two. What a snob.” (Obama referring to Mitt Romney’s two Harvard degrees — law and business — to his one.)
Best Pulitzer Prize–Related Joke: “I’d be remiss if I didn’t congratulate the Huffington Post on their Pulitzer Prize. You deserve it Arianna. There is no one else out there linking to the kind of hard-hitting journalism that HuffPo is linking to every single day. And you don’t pay them, that’s a great business model.”
Best Sarah-Palin-Slash-Dog Joke: “What’s the difference between a hockey mom and a pit bull? A pit bull is delicious.”
Best Confused Identity Joke: “Last year at this time, in fact on this very weekend, we finally deliver justice to one of the world’s most notorious individuals.” (Although the crowd first took this to be a reference to the raid on Osama bin Laden’s compound, which President Obama had ordered exactly a year ago, he was really talking about Donald Trump.)
Best Out-of-Touch-Mitt Joke: “Recently, [Romney’s] campaign criticized me for slow-jamming the news with Jimmy Fallon. In fact, I understand Governor Romney was so incensed he asked his staff if he could get some equal time on The Merv Griffin Show.”
Best Other Candidate Joke: “I know at this point many of you are expecting me to go after my likely opponent, Newt Gingrich.”
Jimmy Kimmel’s best, however, was rather tepid.
Best Secret Service Prostitution Scandal Joke: “I do have a lot of jokes about the Secret Service. I told them for $800 I wouldn’t tell any. But they only offered $30.”
Best Fast and Furious Joke: “Democrats would like you [President Obama] to stick to your guns. And if you don’t have any guns, you can ask Eric Holder to get some for you.”
Best President Obama Joke: “I know you won’t be able to laugh at my jokes about the Secret Service. Please cover your ears, if that’s physically possible.” (Zing!)
Best Michelle Obama Joke: “They say diplomacy is a matter of carrot and sticks, and since Michelle Obama got to the White House — so is dinner.”
Best Joe Biden Joke: “It’s kind of hard to be funny with the president of the United States sitting right next to you, looking at you. And somehow day in and day out, Joe Biden manages to do it.”
Best Fat Joke: “I think you’re misunderstanding New Jersey’s slogan,” he said, speaking to New Jersey Governor Chris Christie. “It’s not the Olive Garden state.”
Best Dysfunctional Government Joke: “Super-committees are to committees what Supercuts are to hair cuts.”
Best Attempt at Explaining Away the Lull in the LOLs: “Is the Fox table laughing or did Rupert Murdoch hack into all my jokes already?”
Next Best Attempt at Explaining Away the Lull in the LOLs: “I’d like to thank Jake Tapper for writing all the jokes you didn’t like.”