Items Inadvertently Left Off Apple’s Shopping List

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Make it rain, Mr. Cook. Photo: Justin Sullivan/Getty Images

Andrew Ross Sorkin is calling for Apple to spend some of its massive $117 billion cash pile on, among other things, Sprint, RIM, Twitter, and mobile-payment doohickey Square.

That's all fine and good, but as Sorkin notes, even a spending binge like that would leave Apple CEO Tim Cook about $20 billion to play around with.

Here's how the tech giant should spend the rest of that money:

$2 million: Create two dozen fake iPhone 5 prototypes, place strategically in bars around Gizmodo's headquarters just to mess with them

$1 million: Send lifetime supply of gift baskets to Mike Daisey, with notes that say, "Thanks for diverting attention from our supply chain to your habit of making shit up."

$7 million: Erect digital billboard outside Steve Ballmer's house showing the market cap differential between Apple and Microsoft

$3 billion: R&D for army of robot lawyers who can work 24-hour days devising new tax-avoidance schemes

$500 million: Global PR campaign to alert world to wage hikes at Foxconn factory

$990 million: Global PR counter-campaign to cover up fact that Foxconn wage hikes will be paid in RIM shares

$1.5 billion: Scrooge McDuck–style employee swimming pool filled with gold doubloons

$1 billion: New iPhone 5 feature that releases 200-volt shock every time owner says "YOLO"

$10 billion: Buy Greece, turn into austerity-themed amusement park

$1 billion: Build actual thermonuclear device to destroy Android

$2 billion: Find amber-trapped mosquito that bit Steve Jobs in 1998, use DNA remnants to clone him