As Bob Dylan once put it, "You don't need a weatherman to know which way the wind blows." This is true; all you need is a windsock. However, we are very glad that weathermen have sounded the alarm about a crazy storm possibly headed our way this evening, because we would have had no idea from looking outside right now. It's called a derecho, and it's basically a hurricane that happens over land instead of the ocean. You may remember that one of them gave the D.C. area a spanking nearly a month ago. Now the same thing could slam into New York tonight — according to forecasts, "the city itself has about a 45% chance of experiencing winds stronger than hurricane force in the evening." You have but hours to prepare. Follow these safety tips closely and you'll be okay.
- Make sure to take inside anything that you might have on your balcony or fire escape or in your backyard which could blow over and kill someone: chairs, potted plants, the Samurai sword collection you keep outside for some reason, etc.
- Some people like to put masking tape on their windows in this situation, but we like to be extra safe by putting masking tape on everything in the apartment. You'll probably need about 1,000 rolls of masking tape.
- You could lose power tonight, so if you have a smart phone, charge it and download a flashlight app. If you're one of the eight people in New York who doesn't have a smart phone yet, buy a flashlight if those still exist.
- Definitely go out and buy some bread too. You'll probably die if you can't eat bread for two hours.
- Keep your pants on at all times. Whatever the worst-case scenario is tonight, it requires pants.
- When the derecho passes, take off your pants. They are no longer necessary.