Do Mitt Romney’s Tax Returns Reveal That He’s the Chupacabra of Latin American Folklore?

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We can't say for sure, because Romney refuses to release them prior to 2010! Or maybe they would show that Romney claimed a home office tax credit for a highly profitable basement sex dungeon. But we don't know, because he won't let us see his tax returns! It's also possible that Romney is storing all of his money in an offworld tax haven — a floating spaceship full of money that eludes the jurisdiction of all Earthly governing bodies. But again, we can't be sure, because Romney won't make his tax returns public!